Caregiver Stress - Caring for My 96 Year Old Father

by Heather
(Mississauga,Canada)

I am the daughter of my 96yr. old father . Last year my husband,2 daughters and myself moved from our home and moved in with my dad to care for him. We gave up everything that made our life happy to care for him.


He lives in his own house. I help him cut grass,rake leaves,shovel snow, drive him to his doctors appointments, take him shopping, do his laundry, cook his meals,when he bangs himself and it bleeds I tend to him,and everything people do for themselves everyday I do for him.

Keep in mind this is his house ,his rules. Not allowed to make small changes to accommodate us,and he recognizes the oldest grandson most and it makes me want to scream being that I am the one that looks after him the most,the grandson very rarely comes to visit or calls. I am not working at the moment but need to get a job but can't......who would hire someone who has to leave all the time to drive an elder to appointments.

My husband and I want to move out by June to start all over again and care for dad from a distance{just around the corner close by to help in everyday things. I feel like I will be abandoning him. He is able to care for himself on a few things. Getting his own meals, personal hygiene, can't climb stairs to good also. I feel like my family has lost so much as the girls use to be really close with their grandfather but not anymore,they try not to be here.He has left the house to me but leaving here may not mean I will get this house.IT WAS NEVER ABOUT HAVING THIS HOUSE IT IS ABOUT MAKING SURE HE IS OK.

He adopted me and my sister when we were very young and I am so grateful he gave us a great life but these times right now I will never get back again. I am very miserable and so is my family.There is know one else to help him.

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In the Same Boat
by: Anonymous

I understand how you are feeling, for I cared for my father when he was dying from cancer at home, and now overseeing care for my mother who is currently in hospital. I was also adopted.

I truly believe one of the most significant points to note in your post is that you are adopted, and recognize that your parents provided a good home for you. I too feel the same way.

However, I have also come to realize there is a time when it is important to let go and allow others who are specialized in care to look after our parents, so that we can continue to be the sons and daughters, instead of having to be concerned with every facet of our parents' welfare. Some might feel I am being cold, but that is not my intention whatsoever. Instead, I believe we need to look after ourselves so that we can better care for our aging and elderly parents.

If they rely solely on us, and our health and families fail, then we are not good caregivers for them or for us!

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Elder Care for a Father
by: Anonymous

Have you considered getting him an aide to assist with his needs. I realize that he owns a house and would not qualify for Medicaid services but considering his age and possible physical problems, he might qualify through Medicare or other senior agencies depending on where you live to get some respite during the day.

My mom has Alzheimer's and I have not been anywhere in seven years. My sister goes away all the time and my brother is always working. I work to, but now from home.I had to retire early because someone had to deal with the home care agencies and home care providers. You might want to call VNS and find out if there is anything they can do to help you. There are many agencies and many ways you can get the help you need.

A person 95 should not really be alone all of the time. I understand how you feel and why it is hard to live in the same house. I do not live in the same apartment as my mom and I have told the the home care agency that I am told always there.

In that way I was able to get some help and then finally total care for my mom. I cannot handle her physical needs in the last stages of the illness. Think about getting help for him especially if you are planning to move out.

Maybe he had a neighbor, friend or someone who would come in and check on him daily.

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