Caregiver Son

by Jeff
(Birmingham, AL)

I sold my home in Chicago, left my job to move and take care of father with dementia. He is now in a home and I take care of my half deaf elderly mother.


I live in my mothers house. My older sister lives 1 mile away, has a very good job (as does her husband) and family.

I am 51 (the youngest of three kids ) and have not worked now for several years. I lost all my equity in my house as it was a bad time to sell.

My savings are pretty much exhausted from the move and paying for my expenses. I do not get any salary or stipend for caring for them.

My sister has completely withdrawn now, she comes by some weekends to take my mom shopping and calls her during the week.

She is the oldest and is very controlling. She has power of attorney over my parents estate and her name is on the mortgage as well.

I am increasingly at odds with my mother as she is bitter and resentful of life. I get no practical help from my controlling sister. I know I will end up destitute when my parents pass. I do not know what to do. My health has suffered and I have no social life.

It seems hopeless. My sister and mother pay lip service that they REALLY APPRECIATE ME FOR WHAT I HAVE DONE. But, when it comes to making big decisions, my ideas are immediately dismissed.

I had asked my sister to stay overnight on weekends to care for my dad when he was still at home, but she said she could not, because she had a family to care for. She lives 1 mile away. Her family is her husband and her 22 year old son who lives at home.

I clean up the messes, she seems to get all the credit. My mother adores my sister and looks upon her like a saint. On the other hand, I am the bad guy.

I am viewed more as a necessary nuisance.
I don't have the money to move out, and am trapped. I am honestly suicidal at this point.

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Feeling your pain
by: Clint

Oh Jeff, I can relate to your situation. I too am in similar situation. But you have it bad.

Unappreciated for what you do. And not much reward for it. Text me maybe a lunch or just being attentive might help us both.

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Sister in Control
by: Anonymous

Jeff, I hate to say this but your apparently manipulative sister seems ready and willing to throw you under the bus.

You have to take the wheel, get a job and stash away money to get away from sister and mama who don't seem to give a rats behind if you become homeless... and that can happen if you don't stand up for yourself.

You deserve all the things they do. Shelter, food etc. Sometimes you have to walk away to get people to respect you. Let sister take care of mama who will infringe on her shopping time, she will be begging you on any terms (yours) to come back. Good luck and God bless.

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Sister is Favorite
by: Anonymous

Sounds like your Mom has a favorite, that being your sister, and you are just being used. Time for you to get a job, save your money, move out and get your life back.

No wife wants to join you as a second class slave. Thus, your lack of a "social life" needs to change.

Your mother seems quite capable of treating her children unfairly. Why don't you look into a lawyer being the one in charge of your parent's legal"affairs"? Is your mother competent or is she being "economically exploited"by your sister as she takes her on their"shopping" trips? Things are, very often, not what they appear.

Do not allow yourself to be "used" as a "doormat". I bet your sister lacks respect for you and the economic value of your full time care giving. Explore your legal rights, even as a caregiver.

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Try this
by: Anonymous

What would happen if you presented a plan to your sister, providing you with compensation for your time, or you leave and move out?

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