Caregiver of Mother

by Bethany
(Maine)

I choose to keep my mom at home even though she is eligible for nursing home care. I was a CNA for 25 years at various homes and I feel better about keeping her home. she is a heavy woman but doesn't get up and walk by herself so there is no safety issue about her wondering away from home.


I have help coming in 35 hours a week. And I am always here to help. If I must be away I find a replacement for myself.

The issue I'm dealing with that is the worst is that her husband that is 83 wants her in a nursing home. He does not have to tend her at all but married her only 12 years ago (not a good situation)....She found out he had a problem with alcohol and was in the process of seeing a divorce lawyer when she was in the beginning of this disease. She asked him to leave one night and called me the next day asking where he was...

So, going through the court process wasn't an option. He gives me a hard time about keeping her home. She gave me her power of attorney when she was diagnostic and he has been upset with me ever since. I try to get along with him in spite of him being very hateful to me at times. He seems to be nice to her not abusive but gets verbally abusive to me and some of the help.

I have talked with his daughter about this. She has his Power of Attorney, but she doesn't live near here so she doesn't see much of it. I love my mom and I promised I would keep her home as long as possible. I live next door to her and spend a good deal of the day and evening with her.

She is wonderful to care in spite of her ailing condition. I love to see her smile and she does still recognize me. So I'm lucky. She was the best mom and my best friend. But he makes me feel guilty for wanting her to stay in her own home. Most times people don't want their loved ones in a home but he can't wait to get her there.

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Caregiver of Mother
by: Anonymous

I am pleased to announce things with my mother's husband have been a lot easier lately as his daughter has become much more involved with his situation and he is really enjoying visiting with my one of my mother's caregivers.

This has made this situation much more bearable. Thank-you everyone for your input and advice. I will keep you posted ... Bethany


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Hope this Helps in Someway.
by: Anonymous

Sounds like you may need a case worker or someone judge appointed. What is the extent of your Power Of Attorney? You obviously need to know what YOU can legally do on behalf of your mother. \

You will more than likely need legal intervention & not allow yourself to get caught in the painful dynamic of their marital issues. Being the primary caregiver is one thing, but you can't be a marriage counselor as well. This is a separate issue, I know it is hard.

It all get mottled up together. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, please for yourself check it out. Do you have any outlets or family that will support you at all?

If his daughter isn't listening quit talking to her, you're talking to the wind, which will respond better than an uninvolved party. Wishing you well & encouragement.

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Can you Divorce Him via Power of Attorney?
by: Anonymous

Maybe you and his daughter could work out a divorce settlement as powers of attorney? Since he's an abusive alcoholic, you probably have cause.

You are a good, loving daughter to a good, loving mother. I'm so sorry she married a total loser who's making both your lives (and probably the jobs of the aides) more difficult.

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