Caregiver of 86 year Old Demented Mother-in-Law

by Emotional Wreck
(Chino, California)

I am resentful. My husband has 2 brothers who live across the country. We have her live with us because she lives in the same state that we do.


I have to work nights, have passed up promotions, we can't go on vacations and I do not sleep but 3 hours when I work because I worry about her. Her 2 sons are sometimes sons. One calls once a week and the other one calls when he thinks about it... that would be once or twice a month.

With a demented person you cannot get upset about any of their actions. I do not like that I feel this way. She is a stress to my young adult children. I only hope she does not outlast me...I am exhausted with mixed yucky emotions about this whole thing.

I do not know why I have to be the main caretaker when one of her sons wives do not work. I am tired and short on emotional reserve. I do not enjoy any of this at all.

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I understand
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much for sharing your feeling. these sites that offer education about dementia are so useless. I am a pharmacist and my husband is a nurse.

We know a ton about dementia but that doesn't make living with it any easier. I hate how disruptive it is to the family. No one wants to give her any type of sedative yet she gets mean and aggressive if she is ever told anything she doesn't like.

My husband is an only child so there is no one else to care for her. This doesn't change how much I resent this.

We are supposed to be enjoying a great time in our lives and instead we are taking care of this awful person who sucks her teeth, is mean and combative and spits. I hate having these feelings.

And the best the various support groups can do is tell me this is god's will and I should be loving. I'm so sick of this

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Call a Family Meeting
by: Anonymous

I am in the same boat as you with my mom. I have scheduled a meeting with my Brother and sister, who haven't done much either. They come once a year if I'm lucky.

We haven't been together as a threesome for 5 years and that was for 1 day and before that it had been 15 years. Anyway, they are coming to this meeting and I've already expressed to my bro. that I need their physical help and he has agreed along with his wife that they will take my Mom to their home.

Now we will see how the meeting goes. Anyway it might be worth a try and tell your husband and in laws you can't do it anymore, you need a break, and could they please step up to the plate and have Mom in their home for awhile. Good luck.

It can't hurt to try, because if they won't you're not any worse off and you might get the needed break. I'm optimistic it will work out for me. We'll see. They meeting is this Sunday! Yes God will bless you for all the time you have put in, but He also won't condemn you if you allow someone else to step up to they plate.

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Response to Emotional Wreck in Chino, CA
by: Anonymous

I am caregiver for both of my elder parents, and I want to encourage you- that although your mother-in-law's two sons are not much help, your care of her is very important and is very much in the will of God.

Though it is very difficult and is difficult on your family, God in Heaven sees your difficulty and honors the responsibility that you have taken! He will bless you and your family in ways you will never imagine- keep strong.

He has been honoring my family and it encourages me greatly. I pray that He will guide and strengthen you in this. Take care.

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