Caregiver for Elderly Mum and Brother with No Help from Other Sibling Brothers

by JoAnn
(United Kingdom)

I am so bitter and angry - I am the "chosen one" - my 91 year old mother adores my 4 brothers (well, three of them, next on her list is my eldest brother, who had a stroke many years ago.

She is housebound after many falls. I am responsible for EVERYTHING. - liaising with carers/finance/sorting out food/dealing with mail/am emotional crutch/all health issues/collecting all prescriptions and medicine.

I can NEVER call without there being a problem for me to sort out. She will NEVER ask my brothers to do anything. They are "too busy" to open a letter/wouldn't know she has post??!!"/work full time!!!

They own their own businesses and have plenty of time for sailing, ballroom dancing, and holidays.

Despite having a career and three children I have been forced to care firstly for my brother, who had a stroke, then my Dad until he died and now my mother. I actually really dislike her. I think she is a narcissist.

Every solution to the numerous problems she tells me she has, is met with a negative response. She says "it's a shame I have to do everything, as I am the only girl"!!!!

I still have 3 children at home - my brothers children are in their 30's!!! She even rings me up to travel to her house to water her plants, when she has a visit from one of the "prodigal" sons.

She couldn't possibly ask them to water the plants. My brothers get really angry with me if, because I have
found out they are at her house, I ring and ask them to pick up her medicine from her local chemist. They actually truly believe it is MY job???!!!

She wanted me to go and get her a new walking frame - she said she couldn't ask my brother, because she didn't want him driving on the "treacherous roads" (it was snowing). So it's okay if I crash my car and get injured?!

My Mum has NEVER told me she loves me, NEVER put her arm around me if i have a problem or am upset and completely glosses over anything I say, if I have to resort to telling her any real problems I have in life, such as my husband walking out just before Christmas and that I had to quit my job as I couldn't cope with looking after all her needs, plus my children.

Now, I can't get a reference because my employer was so angry. All I hear is how my "poor" brothers are so overworked. One of my brothers even rang me to say I needed to call the company who provides her care in the home, because another brother who was at her house couldn't because he was"really tired and would have a nervous breakdown," - he had just returned from holiday (he goes about once a month).

I know when my brothers will be frequent visitors to my Mum's house - when they want their share of the inheritance. Thanks for the "vent' - I feel a bit better!!

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Brothers are worthless
by: Anonymous

Here's my little story from the USA about how worthless the son can be when it comes to helping out in caring for his aged parent:

When my grandfather was dying, his only son, a pompous ass**** who is single and lived 60 miles away in his own little world, didn't come to the hospital when he was immediately informed, instead saying "What's the point?"

Apparently, drinking beer in the early evening was his excuse to not show up to the crisis. He then criticized his sister for the funeral arrangements for their father, while he never once met with the pastor beforehand to offer his input.

Later, he said that he was angry because the pastor had criticized his father during the eulogy for being a "nonbeliever," which never happened.

Later on, when his sister was tired of managing her mother's affairs and wanted to catch a break after 3 years of doing so, she gave Uncle Jerk the power of being Trustee of his mother's estate.

All he did was show up to her home once a week for a one hour visit, and then got paid $1200 a month for this, per the lawyer's agreement!

So after two months his sister had to re-assume the responsibility as Trustee because he was doing nothing. Uncle Jerk was resentful about this and made threats that he would take his mother to come live with him at the same time his sister had to finally place their mom into assisted living.

He then proclaimed that his mom could just pay him the cost instead of her paying the facility she was placed into!

This was a sad joke because there would have been no way for Uncle Clueless Jerk to have cared for his mother. He obviously was living in alcoholic denial, yet no one really criticized his behavior, because he was the only son.

Yes, the males are not the nurturing types, and will make excuses to avoid being involved in anything if they can. They don't have to be alcoholics, either.

There are plenty of other postings on this site where the women of the family have been saddled with the caregiving responsibility because her brother doesn't want to be involved for various reasons, mainly selfishness or egotism.

Hanging on
by: Anonymous

I'm going through the same thing. I live with my 90 year old mother and my brother. My mother has been having a lot of health issues, she needs constant care. I am so frustrated because I get no help from my 2 sisters or 2 brothers.

I got so angry when my 1 sister moved across country when I needed her most.

And out of the 5 of us I am the least healthiest. But none of them seem to care about my health issues or come to give me a break. And I know if my mom should suddenly pass away I'll be the first one they blame.

Does anyone know if I can take my siblings to court.

I can't work because of my health and also no one would care for my mom.they all claim to love her but they would lose to much money if they missed work.

I just feel at the end of my rope. Can anyone offer some advice

It's time to tell your worthless family help or else
by: Anonymous

It's time to tell your brothers to get off their butts and help you are your putting her in a home. My mother is the same way with me but she does tell me she loves me and hugs me.

I'm sorry that you mother doesn't do that. I would give you a hug right now and tell you, your life is not worthless and you do matter. Your a great person but when it gets this bad it's time to call in the troops or put her in a home.

I had to turn my mother's care over to my brothers because it got so bad I thought I had a heart attack.

I'm sorry your going through this, if she is low income you can get someone for the Agency on Aging to come in for free if she qualifies. If she doesn't and you have control of the money use it to get someone to care for her.

You can't put your life on hold for her. I know it seems cruel you have your own family to look after. I spend every weekend with my mother and took her shopping.

She says now you never come to visit, what to have you call me names, put me down, etc. She only does it in private never in front of my brother. I think they may have doubted that she actually does it, until my husband came over and my mother though he couldn't hear her in the next room, however he did.

Please try to find someone to help you.

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