Caregiver and Daughter to Mom

by Terri
(Anthem, AZ)

For the past 2 1/2 years, I've been taking care of my Mom due to medical conditions. I've wanted to out of love,respect and caring for her. I've given up a lot of my personal life and time with my husband back in Florida.

I do any/everything for her and she has been praising me whenever she talks to family members and friends.In fact, she knows and has told these people that if it hadn't been for me being with her these past few years, she would if died.

Yes, I rushed her to the hospital twice and the EMT'S once. We've had our disagreements as family members do.

This past Saturday we had a confrontation because she said I was being demanding and controlling and because of that she called me a sociopathic, pathological liar. I'm also bipolar and a bitch.

When I asked her later why she used degrading words towards me with everything I've done for her,etc. She said "Because you were being demanding and controlling ". I've never said anything degrading or disrespectful to My Mom or treated disrespectful.

I don't feel I don't this from My Mom. I'm ready to go home. Tell my siblings that they can take care of her or place her in a home. My emotional well-being and health is important too. My marriage also. Help! What are your thoughts.

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caregiver to my mom
by: liz

im going threw the same thing. my mom has had 3 strokes. and heart problems. she lives across the street from me .

the verbal abuse really hurts i can be crying and at the same time asking my mom how could you say those awful things to me after all ive done for you.what i do out of love she sees as pity. i was really scared when she had to move in with me after her 2nd stroke .

i could never do nothing right for her all my life and now out of 7 kids i am the one to be the caregiver i was scared.but i tryed to take that situation and fix our relation ship .but it backed fire on me when she got better.

went back to the hate she has for mom told me one day im scared you will be alone when i die. i said mom dont worry about that i have brian (my husband) you should just worry about what you say to me before you die.

been there
by: Anonymous

I have my mom 24/7 with little time away from her, so I can relate to what you are saying. However, I often have to look at the "particular" situation in question she has reacted to in seeing if she has a point.

Yes, I do EVERYTHING for her like you do - basically have given up my independence so that she can maintain hers - but there have been times when I can separate out feeling abused by her comments to see that she indeed was correct. Not always no.

My first, immediate reaction is anger because of everything I do - but sometimes my emotions come out and I can be controlling about silly things. So think hard from HER point of view and put aside your feelings of anger because of what you have given up and see if perhaps she had a point in this particular situation.

Also, as dementia either starts or worsens instances such as this (often without merit at all) are going to happen more frequently. It is not intentional, it's the destruction of the brain. You have to not take things personally once this starts and that's hard.

I had taken my mom to the dr. and normally I stay in there with her, but she asked to speak to the dr. alone. I thought what's up with that? Come to find out she told him the most erroneous stories! I don't get her snacks when she's hungry.

I do, but she never says she's hungry. How am I supposed to know when she's hungry? She told him I never let her go outside. She goes often with me and then I have to almost force her to do it. She sits out on the porch every day, but doesn't remember doing it so I'm the bad guy. Etc.

See what I mean? He explained that connections just get lost as the brain ages and shrinks and told me it is what it is and not to take those words personally. You may possibly be at the stage where this will become more frequent.

It's hard when you know you do everything, when you know what you've given up and damn it, you want to be appreciated!

It won't get any easier for you as time goes on. This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and the worst thing I've ever done in my life. I would never do it again.

When they reach the point that you're just basically caring for a stranger and not the mom you know, it simply becomes a chore.

This is not okay!
by: Anonymous

At the very least, you should go back home for a break. Whatever happens while you are gone happens. You have zero obligation to allow someone to treat you that way.

Actions have consequences.

It could be that dementia is setting in and she is going to need more care than one person can provide anyway. It is hard enough to be someone's maid, cook, laundress, transportation, social director, personal care provider, etc. without having that person be abusive towards you.

Abuse is not okay, regardless of the relationship. As a loving daughter you want what is best for her and may need to coordinate with siblings to get her somewhere safe, but mistreating you is not best for anyone. You are not obligated to give up your life and independence so that she can be "independent".


by: Anonymous

Your last paragraph is critical in this discussion as your emotional and physical health is as important if not more important.

Very difficult to be dragged down in this way with no emotional support from friends/family, etc.

If possible, take some time for you and you alone, whether going to a movie, reading a book, or just shutting the door to a room so that you can reflect and make decisions/plans without all the noise.

Take a deep breath and good luck to you!

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