CAN NOT UNDERSTAND THE DYNAMIC
I've been in the caregiver role for almost four years, and I've contributed here before, but the last couple weeks have me at the end of my rope.
Mom (very-disabled stroke survivor) has turned into a person impossible to come to terms with. Dad, who has always been Mom's champion and refers to everything concerning either of then as "we" or "we're" (like "we" were fecally incontinent (?)) is now beginning to feel her frustration. He even said he'd return her to a nursing facility in a heartbeat if we were being as horrible to her at home as she seems to sometimes think. Which of course she said that we were not not, and we are not. Our familial world exists to put her needs first, and everything else second. Not always emotionally healthful.
I'm not saying that Dad's all okay either; he's also 82. He got mad at me for cleaning the toilet today because he said it wasn't dirty enough to need cleaning, and that if it was he'd clean it. Now I ask you, did I clean the toilet because cleaning a toilet is fun? Or because I thought doing so would belittle my father? Nope - just cuz it was nasty.
Mom's contribution was saying that only Dad should know when the toilet's dirty, and I should stay out of it. Excuse me, but that's my fanny on that toilet too. I'll clean if I want.
All little stuff, but sometimes it's the little stuff that makes caregivers crazy. If anyone wants to share, I promise to empathize, laugh - internally only, and be there for you in spirit. I'm there in spirit for all of you if you write in or not. Love to hear your experiences though.