Burnt Out

by Me
(San Jose, CA)

I am 34 years old, a single mother and I work full time. My grandmother died 4 days after my daughter was born. I moved in with my 89 year old grandfather right after grandma passed away. I have not adjusted to motherhood let alone care taking for my grandfather.

My life for the last 17 months consists of going to work, picking up my daughter (17 months old)from daycare and going straight home to sit with grandpa. Up until about 2 months ago I was cooking dinner every night and doing all of the cleaning while trying to make time for myself and daughter. My mother works from 4AM until 9AM and them goes and sits with grandpa from about 10:30-11 until I get home @ 4:30PM.

I complained about a month ago that I did not feel it was fair for me to have to cook dinner when she is there all day. I need a life also. I did it all for 1.5 years. My child wants mommy time and I am stuck doing everything. It is not fair.

On the weekend my mom goes about her business and I am left to care for grandpa. I can't leave for more than 2 hours at a time. I feel trapped. My mom constantly complains about how this is taking a toll on her marriage and her. What about me. I am a new mom who was thrown into all of this.

I have not been on a date in over 2 years. I never go out with friends.

If something happens to grandpa mom gets the house I currently live in. She told me once she gets the house she is going to move into it so I will have to figure something out. I stand to gain the same as all of the other 16 grandchildren, yet I am the only one who helps.

I am not sure when I will have to move out and financially I can't afford it. I would think my mom would offer to let me stay at grandpa's house since she has her own, but no. I don't get paid to do what I am doing. I give up everything and in the end I will be told I have to move. My mom would have had to move into my grandfathers house if I did not offer to stay there. Talk about affecting her life.
I feel totally taken advantage of by my mother. I always hear her tell me this is not your house, you don't have a say. I am sick of it.

I know its not about gaining anything but I can't help but get upset when I am doing more than anybody else, going nuts and in the end I will be told to get out and will be handed the same amount of money as everybody who does nothing.

Up until 2 months ago I was doing the yards. I told my mom to hire a gardener and house cleaner. The money is there but my mom would rather throw the responsibility on me or herself. I am just tired, annoyed and feel so unappreciated. I have a felling when grandpa is gone I am just going to be done with my family. I resent them all.

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Hard Times!!!!
by: Anonymous

You are being take advantage of, though I appreciate that you at least have a place to live, the price seems high!

You haven't said how you feel about your Grandfather, do you feel able to make your own plans and allow your family to step in, in your place? If you can, then do it! Move out, take some control, look after yourself and your child and do your share to help out when you can, alternatively, seek legal advice, you may be entitled to more than you think......

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You are Being Taken Advantage of.
by: Anonymous

First of all, you probably moved in with your grandfather because you saw it as a win-win for both of you. As a single woman with a child, and no home of your own and with him needing help, it may have seemed like a good idea at the time.

However, it sounds like your time and effort is regarded as what you owe for the "free ride" that you are "enjoying" by living there. It's ironic that your mother views her time with her father as work, but thinks that your time with him isn't as much effort as she puts in.

I have read over and over that when a single female family member moves in with an elderly parent or grandparent, they are not regarded with respect and gratitude, but rather are seen as a freeloader or someone who is taking advantage of a situation.

I suggest that you start looking for a small apartment for you and your daughter. You say that you work. Does your mother babysit your child while you are working? It's time to take control of your own life. If you want to call the shots, you have to have all the responsibility for your OWN life and that of your child.

Clearly, your mother has made it plain that she wants you out of the house once her father is gone. So, it seems that the only benefit you are currently deriving is that you live there rent-free. Do you have other expenses? Are you able to save money for an apartment?

Think about it. Since you'll have to get out eventually, you may as well plan ahead.

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