Burnt out to ASHES

by Helena
(Austrlia)

I stood outside today crying and thought I wish someone could understand how desperate and sad I feel. Then tonight I came across this website. Thank you to all who have written there pain, frustration and anger at how selfish our elderly parents can be. I thought I was all alone with no one to understand the severe depression that has become the normal feeling of the day.

I have a self centered mother who sits in silence,whilst I am just a slave to her. 2 years ago I came to her home to care for her believing she would improve from a stroke and to give her the opportunity to regain a sense of well being.

The hospital said she is 24 high care and needed to go into an aged home and couldn't stay alone.

WHY DIDN'T I AGREE? (Her depression and sadness won my sympathy). The plan was to stay at her place for five weeks. I gave up my life, left my home,family,partner,business,pets and my freedom believing this was the right thing to help my mother.

BIG mistake.

Over the past 2 years of time I have seen the true selfish mother and after much concern trying to find answers I started reading about the narcissist personality, well that was the wake up call that really opened my eyes and this is what my mother has been her whole life.

It has also helped me to reflect on and understand the miserable childhood that I endured,as a child I would run around trying to please her and gain her love.

Now at 65 I'm still trying to find her love and acceptance but through this torture of being her slave and seeing what a miserable selfish human being that she really is it has changed me and my love towards her.

In fact like so many others have said "love turns to resentment". So whether we like it or not how can we love someone who makes us resent them?How can we love someone that takes our freedom and turns us into there slave?

How can we love someone that doesn't care about our needs? How can we love someone that captures us and turns us into there prisoner? If we the carers didn't start out with love, warmth and compassion, if we were as selfish as these people then we wouldn't be in our miserable situations.

So please in your moments of despair and depression remember that you are the good,kind,soft,and gentle souls. I see a lot of you talk of suicide to escape NO we are better than that.

Thank you for this web site,it has really helped me knowing that so many of you feel the same as I do,It makes me realize my thinking is normal,and the resent fullness is all part of our emotion.

Let's all hang in there and support each other. Love and strength to you all.

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Wish she would die
by: Anonymous

Yep. Me too. After the revelations the past 2 months, discovering that after being her caregiver my whole life, she basically write me out of her will while still demanding that I serve her after 50 years of abuse.

I can honestly say I have no love for my mother and hope she dies soon so at least maybe I'll get paid for all the thousands of hours of service I gave her at the expense of my own life and health of course she will probably live ten more years, exhaust all her assets and likely I'll be expected to support her. Not a chance. I'm done.

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Fellow travellers on a carers journey
by: Anonymous... Australia

Thank you, thank you amazing caregivers for your contributions,and your honesty...I am not alone.

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I understand too
by: Chicago

At the end of your comment, you are so kind and generous in your spirit to all of us who are caretakers. I know you are a loving soul, and having a narcissist for a mother is something I can relate to.

I recommend listening to Lisa A. Romano on narcissism in mothers. It was so healing for me.
I am actually the caretaker for my mother and my stepmother.

My stepmother is a harder character. She has always done everything 'right' and has a hard time to show appreciation. She feels like I should appreciate her since she is "letting me" stay with her.

Through working though my own self-esteem issues and learning about how the narcissist creates havoc in their children's lives, I have been able to express myself honestly. I can stand in my true light of my generous spirit and just express my emotions.

Of course I am initially attacked, but I don't question the correctness of my action. I just continue to validate my feelings for myself. This can be an empowering act, and although your mother may never change, you will be a completely empowered. No one ever will be able to walk over you again.

Maybe this was the life-lesson that I needed to learn from all of this.
All my blessings to you.
Chicago

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I know your pain
by: Sharon

This letter in many parts, could be written by me. Took my mother in over 11 years ago and I feel like she has sucked the life right out of me. I have little to no enjoyment when I'm home with her.

With other people she is delightful. With me she is a moody, miserable, cantankerous bitch. I can never do enough. And what ever I do is wrong. There is no making her happy.

I bend over backwards for her doing her shopping, paying her bills, taking her to the doctor and using up my vacation time to do so. Not even appreciated.

I have 3 brothers who don't even call her on Christmas, so what does that tell you? She is just a very difficult woman to be around. Very negative, suspicious of every little thing.

I'm 61 years old and I still have to answer all her questions. Where I go, who I'm with, when I'm coming home. It's ridiculous.

Good luck honey, you need it. As do all of us who are stuck with the "privilege" of being a caregiver.

I really hate it when people say to me: "You will miss her when she's gone." What exactly am I going to miss? The bickering? The moodiness? The miserable disposition? Taking her to the doctor? Doing her shopping? Really? I'm going to miss that? Fat chance.

I wish she would die today.

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