Brother who "Critizes Me"

by Carmen
(Ottawa, Ontario, Canada)

We are a family of 5 children 3 boys and 2 girls.All adults now!

I am the 2nd oldest , in my early 60's now. My eldest brother, who is by himself , does almost all the primary caring , for my 89 year old mother.

The other younger brother, left home at 17 years, to join the forces. And was away, much of his life, now he is retired, well to do and is back in our city.
My problem is, that the "BOYS" appease my mother by bringing her out maybe once a month, either to go a restaurant or she still enjoys "casino" ( for a short time).

I on the contrary, I try to call her almost everyday, and we "chat" for hours but now , it gets worse, as she would like to be out everyday, or have someone in to visit her. My mother, was raised without her parents, had only 1 brother who died many years ago. My grandmother, was in a mental institution for over 30yrs of her life. My mother, got her in a long term care residence and visited her often.

For this we are "grateful" for her dedication towards her mom.
Now, that my dad is passed on, she would like us to be around her all the time. This is almost impossible,as we have families of our home, and husband's not in good health, I myself had a "burn out" and I can't work due to "severe anxiety and panic attacks. My younger sister just had a "mastectomy" 2yrs ago at the age of 50. She has tumors in her eyes and suffers from fybromyalgia. Therefore, it takes everything for her to survive and her husband does all the work at her home.

I sincerely love my mother, but if we talk too long , we get in an argument ( no matter how minimal it can
be). If, we the "girls" go to her apartment and try to "help" my mother replies Don't touch this or you work too hard, it makes my head spin or I know where everything goes so don't touch. Says , she is very "independent". This is one of the reasons, we only go if it is almost an "obligation' on our part.

Now, this past weekend we thought, she had gone out with my brother, but she said "she was in her apartment" too cold to go out and cried all week-end.

My brother, called her she told him that me and my younger sister always argue with her ,and she would "not bother with us anymore". My brother "blasted me last night" for this but what I can't understand is that my mother "looks up to her Boys" when 2 of them only sees her once a month for a lunch out and wow how Important and Precious they to her in her eyes.

When my mother is sick, I take her clothes and wash them, go and do some cleaning in her "small apartment". I purchase her "bingo"cards every week to play on a TV program.

I am at a point, that I will completely stop calling my mother, or do anything for her.She can now get the "BOYS" with the money do her things. (As I said before she needs to be around people everyday or she gets depressed but will not admit it).

Should I "tell off" my brother for his behavior, he does not know how we interact with "Mom" I can honestly say that since I was young , I felt more like my Mom's mother, her sister, her "confident" .. So , this is why my relationship is completely different from the rest of our family.
If , you can "suggest" anything to "help" this situation , It would be greatly appreciated


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My brother Critizes Me
by: Anonymous

I hear you loud and clear. It seems you care for your mom but for some reason which myself don't always understand we seem to clash with them.

My mom as well, has a tendency to praise my brothers more then I. The relationship appears to be different. We talk more about, girl stuff, neighbors, family, shopping and from one topic to the other, something comes up and we don't see eye to eye. My brothers on the other hand tell me that they ignore her and acknowledge everything she says in order not to hurt her. Like you, my relationship is based on honesty, openness and I will say things as they are.

I decided to call my mother less often and when I think things are about to blow out between us, I say, OK MOM it's time for us to go and I will call you later. She gets offended, but that's the only thing I can do for now. Life is precious and we are all here to learn.

I have a daughter of my own, and as strange as it might seem, I see a bit of my mom in me. Stay strong and for your brother's comment, you do what seems right for you.
Good Luck....working hard to better ourselves everyday.

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