Boundaries, and solutions instead of kvetching

by Crazy Issues NO more
(Hudson, MA)

Hi Everyone,

Why don't caregivers treat themselves better? Why don't they set boundaries and use more resources?

Allowing yourself to be a doormat for your family is not right and doesn't help anyone in the end. I think the energy spent in resentment and anger should give way to constructive solutions. Why aren't there more caregivers in this forum making helpful suggestions?

I spent three years being angry, helpless, and emotionally toxic.
Result: worse time with my elder and my health went south.

I read Coping With Your Difficult Elder Parent, started seeing a psychotherapist, and decided to change my own behavior. Duh, whad'dya know? Yes, my reality changed enough that I could cope with it. Why did I spend so much energy just complaining?

Don't make that mistake. Be kind to yourself and find compassion with the difficult people. Find resources. They ARE out there.
Have faith and don't allow yourself to sink into a very damaging rut. You needn't do that.

Let's hear from others who have conquered some of that anger, and have found ways to be firm without being nasty mean.

Sure I slip from time to time but I know how to fix my own attitude and change my way of saying things. Still a long challenge. I know I will gain in wisdom from this. That ain't so bad, is it? smile.

What have you learned improving communication? in making your own space somewhere? in finding faith and support? in letting go?

best wishes for a happy and peaceful life

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Dear Anonymous Person.
by: Leasa

I am happy for you and envy anyone who is so sure. Must be a peaceful place. I'm still not sure that I believe in God but like I said, envy those who do.

If there is a God...
by: Anonymous

If there is a God, Leasa?

Maybe God helped you to find the insight, courage, and wisdom to finally "stand back, see the outside and be brave enough to make the changes".

At that point, were you helpless to the situation, at the bottom of the pit, had no where to turn, feeling hopeless, all alone like no one cared? Did you cry out for help in your sleep? Did you perhaps, pray for guidance, direction, answers?

You wanted to do the best for your mom without throwing yourself under the bus. And that is exactly what ended up happening. All of us on this forum either suffering in silence or complaining at the top of our lungs are being led down a path of enlightenment and growth and you're one of the lucky ones who has been able to learn and grow.

As you say, learning how to care for ourselves as well as others is God's intent. Do unto others as you do unto yourself, might just as well be Do unto yourself as you do unto others.

If everyone gave to themselves and others one hundred percent, the world would run like a fine-tuned Swiss watch.

God can also help you now as you are still reeling over your Mom's illness. There's more to learn from this experience. Be open to it, and thank God that he has brought you to the place you are today where you have survived and are able to help others.

God gives us the tools, but we have to be strong enough to pick them up and use them. Only when it's good for all, including us, is it good.

For some of us out here in this forum, God is saving our lives, and I just happen to think he saved yours too.

by: Leasa

I used to post here to offer advice from my own experience and try to help others who were obviously drowning in their resentment and fear.

I still read this forum and finally I see your post, and you have hit the nail on the head. We can only be used as a doormat by our elders and siblings if we allow it. I also whole heartedly endorse seeing counselors and what ever it takes for the caregiver to see what their own situation really is.

You have to be able to stand back and see it from the outside and be brave to make changes.

I applaud you and your post. It gives me hope. I am still reeling over my mom's illness and her subsequent death.

As to the reason I left this forum? Is because every time I offered advice, someone would shame me and ask me basically what God would want me to do.

That I should gladly give up my life and sanity because that's what God would want. BS. If there is a God, I am sure he/she would want me to use my brain, and common sense, and pursue personal happiness and not be a fool.

Respect is a two way street.

EDITORS NOTE - Welcome Back Leasa!

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