Big Day Coming - Moving Mom into Memory Care

by Daughter is Trying

Can anyone help me with the guilt I feel? I will be tricking her into leaving her home, and bringing her to a memory care community.

How can this day be here, after all these years?

I am scared and nervous, for her, for me.

What will it be like for her?

The difference between living in your own independent home and being in a public facility with lots of people is huge.

I feel like I have no right to do this to her, but I can't keep sacrificing myself forever.

I feel that I am betraying her trust.

She took care of me and now I am imprisoning her.

It's actually a very nice place, and I have researched this for years.

However, I am still nervous.

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Let Go of the Guilt
by: Anonymous

First let me applaud all of you for being willing to take care of your parents, Aunts, or other family members. So many children just don't.

Others drop them off at nursing facilities never to be seen again. Those are the people who should have guilt but don't.

As for you all, you have researched the care facilities and have reasoned these are the best places for the care the aged family member needs. It will be safer for them and you are choosing this out of LOVE for them, not out of a sense of wanting to get rid of them.

You will also be going there to visit and ensure the facility is taking care of them as they promised to do and as you are paying them to do. Yes it is a hard decision, but a necessary one. And as for "how could I do this to my Mom because she took care of me?" YOU ARE taking care of her too.

It is different because she was raising you as her child, was young, healthy, and vibrant. You cannot raise the elderly. Your job is to ensure her safety (she did that for you), ensure she eats properly (she did that for you), ensure she gets bathed (she did that for you when you couldn't for yourself) and dressed and clean clothes, etc.

All these things you are making sure she has and is taken care of - you are making this happen. There is nothing to feel guilty about.

You are making the best decision to have her with you for more time and to be able to love her longer. There should be no guilt in that. Yes it is a tough decision. While you know how difficult it is for you to make this decision for your Mom.

Go ahead and let your children know what you want when you reach this phase of your life, so they don't have to make the decision and feel the guilt you are now feeling. And the other person is correct. We are all going to be okay. As long as your Mom knows you Love her - that is all that truly matters. God Bless!

Me too
by: Marilynn

It is something I am looking at as a safety issue for my aunt. She has been mistrustful of me since day one two years ago.

I basically abandoned my husband to look after my aunt. She has no kids, so it fell in my lap...but the many cousins who did nothing and continue to do nothing add to the drama by helping her second guess her medicines, money, and even furniture in her home.

It makes no sense, and is now understand why I left the way I did, and plan doing exactly that when the opportunity presents itself.

She has an annuity, so she can live in a decent place for a while, and we log the farm, that's another year, after that, the furniture and antiques...eventually, if she lives long enough...the land...and the family can go piss up a rope for all I care.

Because what they are most interested in is her stuff and not her well being...

I would keep her at home if she would just stay off the stairs and use her walker, but no...and she sneaks to do forbidden things like a little kid...but her spinal fractures and dementia make this a very dangerous game. So yes, a memory care home it is!

by: Anonymous

We are about to do the same for my mom. Dementia caretaking is a 24/7 job. I am not equipped emotionally, physically, or financially to take her into my home.

I do not feel guilty having to move Mom. She will be safe and looked after. We will have peace of mind that someone will see that she eats and drinks (she will not do it at home if no one makes her).

If she falls - there will be someone right away to help her. She won't lay for hours until one of us comes over. She will have people around her even if she wont interact at first.

I hope you can find your peace with this. It is hard, but it is necessary. We will all be okay.

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