Beware of the Naysayers

Beware of the naysayers--particularly those on this board--who try to tell you that your parent is a burden and you should just throw them in a facility and go on with your life.

These naysayers are those lovely intrusive coworkers and "friends" who pry into your family affairs and try to wrangle information out of you about why you aren't putting your parent in a facility and why your siblings aren't doing more and why you are taking off so many days for the parent's medical issues rather than taking time for a vacation.

These people really don't care what you are going through even though they talk sweet and act concerned. They only see your parent as a burden and see your life as "not a life". They like to nag you about when are you going to put your parent in a facility or get services to handle all of the tasks that you don't mind doing because they have their own agendas such as hoping to drain your time dry themselves so they do not want you spending your time with your parent. Or they have "issues" with their parent so they don't like seeing you helping yours because it makes them feel guilty. Or they are simply ageist and think that all elderly people have already lived out their worth.

In my case, I made a personal commitment within myself to take care of my parent regardless of the fact that the 2 siblings do not help, and for me it is partly my spiritual values and partly other factors including that I am a nurse and do not have children, that is, no other family other than my parent. Helping my parent is my vocation in life.

The naysayers do not have any concept about vocation. They just want to nose their way into my day and try to ruin my morale and my mood by negativity about what I'm trying to do.

I have learned not to listen to the naysayers most of the time but there are occasionally times when they do get to me and I go home feeling like someone pricked me with needles all day long. It is hard enough to take care of an elderly parent without having the naysayers poke and prick you all day long.

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Beware of the Naysayers
by: Anonymous

I hardly think that placing your parent in a facility is throwing them in there.

My mom lives with us and if I could, she'd be in a facility in a heartbeat.

It doesn't mean I'd abandon her, I just wouldn't have her living in our home.
She's a difficult person to have here and we are all miserable, including her.

When is a Naysayer just a worn out carer?
by: Anonymous

Well, perhaps you have the luxury of NOT being a Naysayer, having only your parent to think about and having the professional skill set (being a nurse) to deal with the issues you face.

I find that being faced with an increasingly belligerent, difficult, nasty-minded, resistant demented 87 year old father, while trying to run our family business AND have some sort of family life down the line (as in with my children and grandchildren, while they are at an age when my attentions would be appreciated...

not the sort of thing you can put on hold until grandpa pops his clogs) makes me say "too hard, need professional help" or as you would call it "a naysayer".

Sorry, but I'm not a Saint
by: Saturn

I'm delighted that you consider yourself to be following your vocation, but perhaps the people that you call selfish 'nay-sayers' are simply coming from a very different experience.

If you were coping with the person I'm coping with, I think you'd be far less dismissive of the possibility that caring for some people really IS a burden. Dealing with someone who's lazy, selfish, manipulative,and verbally abusive is emotionally and physically draining, whether they're elderly or not.

It's even harder when they're an elderly person, because others will try to guilt you out of admitting that you can't carry that burden any longer -- not because it's not a burden but because they know very well what a burden it is and they have no intention of picking it up themselves.

AIS, great that you're content with your life. But go a little gently on the rest of us. You don't know what we're dealing with.

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