Been There, Done That.
Yes, I know exactly what everyone is going through because I was there every step of the way for my mother, who sad to say is no longer here.
I really loved my mother and would have done anything for her but I know exactly how you feel because I always put my mother first (I really don't really looking back at it now) but believe me there were many 10 or 12 hours a day, 7 days a week days when I would literally pass out in my room of the house after starting at 6:00 in the morning.
Cleaning the house, doing constant laundry, helping my mom to the bathroom 20 times a day, and at one time like you I had a full time job and came home and the minute I hit the door it was chore after chore after chore because my father was too cheap to hire some extra help.
See, as much as I loved my mother taking care of all her medicine, handling all the nurses and bath aids and Doctor's appointments, spending any free time(what a laugh) doing research on my mothers cancer, multiple sclerosis, back problems, inability to be happy, I was her personal coach.
I was the only one who was ever there for her.
My dad was quite old and he was real mean to her so I had to be her protector, body guard, marital counselor, and best friend.
The last several years I was spending all my time going to the nursing home for hours a day, doing a lot of the work at the nursing home because they hardly ever get around to answering the bells over there, being my mothers only advocate against the Doctor's that did not really want to be bothered with her and the slipshod medical care she received.
It got to the point we could hardly get my mother in the car anymore and my dad did not want to be bothered.
I was the only one that ever remembered my mothers birthday, I made a big day out of Valentines day the last 5 years when my mother was battling the cancer pretending that it was like another mothers day because my father was too busy to be bothered.
In all fairness the last few months he did really try to change and be there more for my mother but he was mentally abusive to a disabled person.
He was more interested in walking around the neighborhood showing his new car off to the neighbors, and bragging about his money and trying to flirt with all the women around there and he wouldn't even buy my mother a hearing aid.
He was going to trying to stick my mother in a nursing home last year from the advice of the so called neighbors who never came to see my mother ever or never asked about her, oh they sure asked about my dad because they were after his money.
They put their two cents in all the time. But you know what I am so very very very glad now that I did what I did because now that my mother is gone I would do anything to have her back again.
Hey, you never know maybe people like us are chosen to care for the sick, disabled, weak, the ones that everyone else turns their back on.
Come to think of it the last
two years when my mother got dementia were actually the very best because she became like a little kid and we did not have stupid arguments and we were like to little best friends, us against my mean old father.
Right before she passed away she asked me if I would like to go live and the nursing home so that she and I could both get away from the mean old man.
The only regret I have on the whole thing now is that I wished God would have let my father know how unfair he has been slandering me in the neighborhood, kicking me out the same week my mother passed, making my life a total nightmare, stealing my inheritance and the rings my mother wanted me to have just to give to one of the neighbors.
Best of all he took all my clothes and jewelry of mine and will not give any of it back and the police said their hands are tied because i can only get into the house for 15 minutes to get things that I accumulated over 60 years.
All I can say is do not be surprised by how people will judge you. Don't ask me why but some times that saying nice guys finish last really seems true.
I know my father is behind so much of this because he is being influenced by the neighbors, which should really mind their own business.
You are doing the right thing, think of your mother as your little friend. I remember how scared my mother was because she knew something was happening to her memory and no matter how much I prayed for her it didn't help with the dementia.
Maybe we should all pray for a cure for dementia.
Best Wishes and I know someday you all will be happy you were there for someone. At least you are not totally selfish just worrying about yourself like most people now days.
I look at all these people who were strutting their dogs in front of our houses with their heads stuck up in the air and not one of them ever rang the bell, left a card to see how my mom was doing.
But they sure are interested in how my Dad is doing because he has the money, well guess what they are in for a big surprise because soon he will probably have me for a guardian because he cannot be trusted with these people who knows what he is giving what to.
It is all in Gods hands anyway. Whatever God wants to take place will be. It is a very tough life but like I would tell my mom every day just be grateful that you have someone that loves you (your mom - maybe she cannot show it) who you love,The best advice I could really give you is to get your other relatives to chip in and get another caregiver at least to give you 1 to 2 days a week off with no questions asked.
Now as for my dad I have the very best nursing home picked out for him. It is like a cruise ship and he has the money so why should he suffer in that drafty old house with strangers coming in and stealing all he has. But the neighbors want him to keep living in the house so that they can take advantage of him.