Been there, done that. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!
I am so sorry for those of you who have a selfish,hateful elderly parent but if they treat you like this, then you should have no guilt in placing them in a clean, responsible caring facility.
Perhaps if that ungrateful person regards you with so little regard, they may like the facility better since they will be with like people closer to her own age.
Then she complain to them about what a horrible person you are while you are at home living your life in peace! LOL!! For those of you who love their parents with undying devotion, you should realize that your parents would not want you to ruin your health, your life and risk your family's well being just to take care of them.
If they suffer from dementia or Alzheimer's, go to several facilities and choose the one most attractive and fairly close to your home so you can visit your parent at least once a week.
They will put up a big fuss for the first week or so but due to their disease, they will forget that this is not their home especially if the facility will allow you to place a few pieces of their own furniture in their room like a dresser or a curio cabinet filled with some of the items they love.
Just do NOT forget to go see them at least once a week. Not all facilities are equal so you need to check on them that often to make sure they are not losing weight or developing bed sores.
Try to discretely examine their body from head to toe. Perhaps offer to change their gown with the excuse that you want to take it home to wash it with some fabric softner!
Remember even if you visit them every day, they will not remember that visit so when they complain,and they WILL complain, just tell them "You know how much I love you and I was just here day before yesterday!
Honey, you know I have my own house and your grand children to take care of!" then divert their attention to another subject by asking what they had for breakfast!
Since they will not have any idea of what day it is, this should calm them especially if they have to try and remember what they had for breakfast!
Yes, you do owe your parents for their love and the time, effort and expense to raise you but,
be honest, do you really think they spent so much of their time raising you to be a responsible adult that they would want you to ruin your life just to be a caregiver to you at the expense of you and your families happiness?
Of course they wouldn't! All they wanted was to love and raise you to be a healthy responsible adult and since they are mentally impaired, you owe them to make all their hopes for you come true.
They have done everything in their power to raise you. Now it is your turn to make sure they get the care they need during their declining health.
And that includes the absence of guilt on your part in doing what you need to do to ensure in their final days that they get regular meals every day, clean sheets, company with other people nearer to their age, their diapers changed, regular baths, etc!
When you visit, take them some small token of appreciation that they can't get in the facility.
A once a week cheeseburger or chocolate milk shake will not hasten their death and will do a lot to brighten their ordinary day.
Perhaps take a few photos of new additions to the family. Sit with them and comment on the photos as your loved one looks through them! Also try to take at least one grandchild with you once a month.
It does not have to be the same grandchild every month! They will probably not know the difference. It is good training for the grandchild and a wonderful gift for your loved one even though they will probably not remember the child. Explain in advance to the child that this might happen.
However, more than likely, those same grandchildren will have received an abundance of love from that elderly person so they should gracefully accept the loss of just a couple of hours once a month or less depending on how many grandchildren you have produced!
My last advice is to learn how to prepare for your own advanced years so your own beloved children are not placed in your own situation. Most of all do not feel guilty.
You left your parents home to become independent so love your children enough to not become THEIR burden. God bless each of you. I speak from experience having had to do exactly this with both my foster mother and my biological mother. With love and best wishes.