Bedridden Mom and now Dad had Open Heart Surgery

by Kayla
(Myrtle Beach, SC)

My sibling lives far away and has just flown across the country to help, so I have no issues there.

The issue is with my selfish mom who had been bedridden and cared for at home for eight years.

She is obese and needed knee replacements but was "too scared" to have them done. When she finally got in enough pain she just stopped walking and then went to a bone and joint doctor and wanted him to fix her. He almost laughed.

By that time both her knees needed to be replaced and well as her hips and since she had already given up walking there was no way to do each surgery and rehab her.

They tried to do different types of therapies to get her mobile but she refused to do the exercises they told her to do and since she was not progressing, insurance refused to pay for more therapy. For eight long years my dad, who is now 80 has taken care of her at home.

Five years ago I could see if was wearing him down, so I quit my job to help him. I would never had done it just for her because she is demanding and nothing you ever do its good enough for her, but I wanted to help my dad and he refused to try to talk her into a nursing home.

Last week my dad was not recovering from the flu. I took him to the ER. He has congestive heart failure and a fib. I had been telling my mom for two years that taking care of her was taking a toll on him and I was worried for his health. Yet she still demanded a ridiculous amount of attention and home cooked meals each night.

Today my poor daddy has triple bypass surgery, a valve replacement and they have also found a large tumor on his kidney. The kidney will have to be removed once he recovers from the heart surgery. My heart is broken.

I feel that taking care of her has almost killed him or at least stripped away what should have been his golden years. My sister tried to talk to my mom to tell her that we needed now to concentrate on getting dad well and that she would need to go into a nursing home.

My mom yelled at my sister and made her cry and then called all her friends and told them what ungrateful kids she has.

I am scared to death that once my dad will recover and she will once again demand that he take care of her and I think he is afraid to refuse. What can I do?

I want him to come live with me and I will take care of him. I don't want her using him and being so selfish. What can I do?

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Take Your Dad
by: Anonymous

Take your Dad with you before you lose him. He will not go home and recover enough to take care of your mom again. It will kill him.

Get your mom in-home care. Work it out with your sister while she is still there to help you.

You already know the situation in that house. Save your dad. Enjoy what time you have left with him and give him some comfort and peace.

Don't let your mom dictate anymore what everybody has to do and make everyone feel guilty for not doing it.

She will survive while everyone else around her crumbles.

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How Awful
by: Anonymous

I'm so sad to read of your situation, it is both heartbreaking and unfair.

I understand that you want to protect your father from this apparent abuse and find some way to make your mother accept responsibility for her disabilities.

Sadly, you may not be able to do either, but what you have done is give them choices and you cannot do anymore than that. Your father doesn't have to risk his health, in fact his life, in taking care of your mother but it seems he chooses to do so.

Your mother does not have to reject the medical help and become dependent, she chooses to do so.

Therefore, you too can make some choices. It is not selfish or cruel to make a decision to take a step back and not continue to enable this cruel waste of life. I'm not suggesting that you abandon them, but can you accept they are entitled to make their own decisions, no matter how destructive, but so are you!!!! Good luck

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