At Wit's End
Several years ago, my wife and I built an addition to our home to accommodate her mother and step father. The step father has dementia and AD. At the time of the construction and prior to moving in with us, my mother in law wasn't sure if he was moving with her. It was clear to us that we needed to let the stepsister who has the POA and Health Care Proxy be aware of her father's decline.
She was told to have a plan in place in case something happened or if he can longer be in our home. The move itself was exhausting. Who knew someone could have so much stuff. That's another story itself.
The plan for their living with us is that we would provide them with dinner for 5 nights and the other two on their own. They would take of their space and do their own laundry and chores. Well it became evident that there were issues that we were not aware of.
We ended up doing their laundry, and assisting them beyond our expectations. He had a car and license when he first moved in. Got lost several times and eventually the car and license were taken away. He refuses to acknowledge that he can't fix things.
During the move, we saw things that were repaired in a very hazardous way. We've been fixing the "fixed" repairs several times. There's also been issues with finances between the two of them. Late bills, losing the check book and etc.
They got married late in life and kept all of their finances separate. All of the incidents have been kept track of and the step sister was informed. As his mental capabilities continued to decline, it has now gotten to the point where my mother in law mental capabilities are becoming an issue. It has also affected our lives.
The stress is unbearable and is affecting our marriage and our two college aged children. We told the stepsister he needs to be placed in a home that can provide the care he needs.
We gave them several months to get it done. Well, that was met with absolute resistance. It was clear that the planning that was to be done, never happened!