As Time Flies....What Should I Do?
I am so afraid of what I see, that the idea of this part of my life becoming a long term commitment just puts me in panic mode. My mother not only demands from me 24-7 but she is in a constant pursue of controlling my life. I am 60 years old and single, I don't go out because of the fear that she may die while I am having a night out with friends, well actually I don't have any friends because when I invite people over she starts talking about the past and things that happened to her when she was younger making me feel so embarrassed.
She wakes me up in the mornings even on my day off. She does not respect my privacy. Hovers over my shoulder. Follows me around the house... My friends like her, but just don't feel the need to cater to her desires. The two of us can't economically afford a place of our own, so we live with my daughter and her two year old son.
I have noticed that my mother does not want me giving the little boy too much attention and of course she does not like the fact that I work. Every day is a new illness, I have been to the hospital with my mother having false alarm panic attacks more times that I can remember.
She lays in bed acting as she is agonizing, but as soon as I mention that we are going out to the stores, she comes back to life and starts getting dressed.
She is in excellent health and does not do anything, and when I say anything I mean anything.
I do everything for her and I am exhausted. I can't stop crying I am feeling so trapped and tired and depressed and also I am so scared that she may die someday and I was mean or evil to her.
I am feeling so guilty and the funny part of all this is the fact that when I was a child, she was extremely physically abusive to me. She hit me so hard that she would leave marks on me.
I am just so confused and I don't know how much more pain do I need to have inflicted in me to proof to God that I am a good daughter. Did I mention that she took care of her parents and I have to take care of her?
That is how the cookie crumbles in her mind. I will never put my daughter through this torment, I can't wait for my grandson to be older so I can give my daughter the space and freedom she needs to be a healthy, stable woman.
I love my mother but I can't live with her anymore and I am so afraid of letting her go. She is all I have, but she tortures me on daily basis.