Anguish from How I Acted Out
Its a vicious cycle but I can't help myself. I really intend to take care of her (mom). Then I get terrified by the way she demeans me & insults me, so I say something rude or stop taking her calls.
Its like I have to hide from her awhile, & heal, because even my body suffers pain during such episodes. It startled me that I recalled having those same feelings when I was a child. In moments when we agitated my mother, she would lose control & fly into a rage. It terrified us kids, but I was the only one she would chase-down.
I ran through the house until I got to the last bedroom, with nowhere else to go. Then she was on top of me, choking me. I'm not proud of how I treat her today, but I am still afraid of her. So weird tho.
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