Angry Vindictive Dad

by Angela
(Yorkshire UK)

My dad is 87 mum is 86. I am 58 and one of 8 children, one sister lost her battle with cancer 15 years ago. Dad has always been controlling with all of us, including mum and has always been very strict.

The one thing we are grateful for is he instilled respect in us all. The only thing with this, now we are older is, he knows what ever he says or does to us, we will never retaliate or say anything back to him.

He was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease a couple of years ago, we attended many hospital appointments with him. Eventually it was agreed with dad the best treatment for him would be dialysis at home.

Everything was put into place by nurses and specialists and the operation went ahead for a tube to be inserted in to his tummy.

On the very first day of dialysis at home, when we were learning how to use the machine, he lost his temper and told us all to get out of his house, including medical staff, saying he was sick of us all being there all of the time and refused any more treatment. He demanded the tube be taken out and since has refused any more visits from the specialists team.

Six months on he has become so nasty with us all and with the world. He puts us down at every opportunity and refuses any help from us, he criticizes everything we try to do for them, and constantly ridicules our looks and weight. He often
uses bad language at us, and makes racist comments about worldly things, somethings he never did when we were growing up.

He screams and shouts at mum often for no reason. His hearing is bad and he refuses to wear an hearing aid. It seems his eye sight may be deteriorating also.

Mum is losing her memory a little and some days seems very confused. She doesn't remember always how to cook decent meals and obviously can't clean the house like she use to.

But he flatly refuses our help with anything and gets mum to agree with him. If we try to do things for them he gets mad at us or at mum and takes it out of her.

If I cook meals and take them round he criticizes them. He won't let us take mum to the doctors to find out if she has dementia, and is constantly reminding us we are not taking mum away from him or putting her in a home,saying he is looking after her.

They are clearly not coping but what can we do without causing a row or a major blow out from dad. We are all so worried but feel our hands are tied. We have tried our best to explain things to dad but there is just no talking to him.

There is no way he would want us to go behind his back to arrange anything to help them.

Help please this is sole destroying for all of us, we just want to help them and make life easier for them.

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It's tough be you need to help your mom
by: Gina

I mostly agree with Bittersweet's comments. I would be a little more subtle with how you help your mom, though. You will need to do some prep work by finding out who your mom's doctor is and making an appointment on her behalf, then planning to take her.

If one (or more) of your siblings can distract your dad like, in the garage with a project or in the back yard, then the other can figure out way to get your mom into the care then just take her to the appointment and don't worry about how he reacts -- he's already paranoid so what do you have to lose?

While she's gone maybe the male siblings can calmly talk him but sounds like he is too far gone cognitively for that to be effective. If it turns out your mom has any physical or mental or cognitive issues, then it will be in her medical records and you can use that with social services to identify her as a vulnerable adult (in the US).

You will need to decide what you want to have happen at this point. Will she go live with one of her children temporarily while you figure out what to do with your dad?

Do you want to get your dad into a position to get assessed by the social workers? He's gonna be mad no matter what, so go for it. You are not a minor child so you don't need to interact with him like he's your daddy. That ship has sailed and he is not his normal self anymore so all those old rules are moot. Wishing you well!

You need to stand up
by: Bittersweet

(Sorry if this sounds harsh)
Your dad is controlling you because you are letting him. Time to stand up for what is right and start making decisions in his and your mother's behalf.

Your mother needs medical attention and he is denying her getting it. Are you so afraid of him you will let your mother go without medical care?

There comes a time when children have to step in. No parent is willing to give up the reigns but it has to be done and let the chips fall where they may.

He'll be mad, he'll pitch a fit, so just stand back in case he starts swinging. Put your mother in the car and take her to the doctor. As for him, if he refuses medical treatment, that's HIS problem.
Good luck!

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