Angry and Resentful
I am 69 and divorced 30+ years. My father is 95. He lives in an apartment in a Senior facility. He is nearly deaf and can only walk with a walker. My only sibling lives in another country. My son lives across the country.
By default, I am responsible for taking him to doctor appointments (dozens of them),doing all of his shopping, and visiting him. Mom died 2 yrs ago at age 98. I have had to do all of these things for them for years and years.
I had to retire to help my daughter with her boys when she was divorced dt domestic violence. I hate having to do things for my father. I'm sick of it. I dread to be around him. I have nothing left in my tank, my folks sucked the life out of me.
I am full of guilt because of the way I feel. My daughter helps when she can but she has her boys and works 2 jobs. I feel like I have been robbed of my life. I don't enjoy doing anything anymore.
I am obsessed with the problems of dealing with my elderly father. He wants me to visit often but I cant stand it. He is depressing to be around. He complains, thinks everyone is a fraud or a liar or is scamming the public etc etc.
He tells his doctors (multiple ones) that he doesn't know what he would do if it wasn't for me. I HATE that. I didn't chose this roll and I don't want it. I see a counselor but I don't feel it is helping. My resentment is too huge to combat.
I've always been shy and a loner. Now that I don't work, I have no friends. I've never been a club joiner or church goer. I have tried to meet others, extend myself but it's been a total failure.
I guess the silver lining is that these past 20+ yrs have taught me to never make my kids feel responsible to take care of me.