Angry and Resentful

by Pam
(Ohio)

I am 69 and divorced 30+ years. My father is 95. He lives in an apartment in a Senior facility. He is nearly deaf and can only walk with a walker. My only sibling lives in another country. My son lives across the country.


By default, I am responsible for taking him to doctor appointments (dozens of them),doing all of his shopping, and visiting him. Mom died 2 yrs ago at age 98. I have had to do all of these things for them for years and years.

I had to retire to help my daughter with her boys when she was divorced dt domestic violence. I hate having to do things for my father. I'm sick of it. I dread to be around him. I have nothing left in my tank, my folks sucked the life out of me.

I am full of guilt because of the way I feel. My daughter helps when she can but she has her boys and works 2 jobs. I feel like I have been robbed of my life. I don't enjoy doing anything anymore.

I am obsessed with the problems of dealing with my elderly father. He wants me to visit often but I cant stand it. He is depressing to be around. He complains, thinks everyone is a fraud or a liar or is scamming the public etc etc.

He tells his doctors (multiple ones) that he doesn't know what he would do if it wasn't for me. I HATE that. I didn't chose this roll and I don't want it. I see a counselor but I don't feel it is helping. My resentment is too huge to combat.

I've always been shy and a loner. Now that I don't work, I have no friends. I've never been a club joiner or church goer. I have tried to meet others, extend myself but it's been a total failure.

I guess the silver lining is that these past 20+ yrs have taught me to never make my kids feel responsible to take care of me.

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thank you for those who comment
by: Anonymous

I am so happy this sight is here. I read the comments and they definitely apply to my life. I try my best not to feel guilty for these human thoughts of wishing my elderly parent dead.

I am 57 going to be 58 and I have been taking care of him for over 23 years. He is now 82 and still kicking. All those pills the doctors give him are keeping him alive and me depressed.

I was let go of my job 3 1/2 years ago and tried to find work for a year and 1/2 with no luck. I won't do retail my body is not like it use to be.

So I resign to the fact of being caregiver full time until I can touch my pension in a couple of years. I hope to make it that long but my temper does flare up from time to time.

Once I have access to my money I need to find him some where else to live I to worried about myself getting older and needing help. He comes from a line of people that live for a very long time and that scares me.

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I understand
by: Anonymous

I'm so glad you wrote back ! To find a local support group do a google search on Caregiver Support Groups in (your town.) You might come up with something.

To get out, have you looked for a senior center in your town? Many have them. They usually serve lunch and there are card games, just talking, etc. It's a good way to just be around people. If you have one, you could call them as well and inquire about support groups they may be aware of. Also, hospitals often have support groups, so there's another option to call.


If my mom weren't with me, I would volunteer at an animal rescue group - they are always looking for help or the local humane shelter. I'm an animal lover. Hospitals always like volunteers to hold babies in the Nic Unit.

Sometimes it's hard to take that first step in developing an interest (especially when you don't feel like doing anything, I know) but volunteering somewhere is worth a try. If you don't like it, you don't have to go back.

Boy, do I understand about retirement. It infuriates me that I worked my whole life to have freedom and I now have more restrictions than ever. When I would be at work on a dark, rainy day I longed to be home to grab a throw and my dog and veg out on the couch in my pajamas just binge watching TV, taking a nap.

I tried that once with my mom here and you just don't do anything out of the normal. For an hour it was "What's wrong? Are you sick? Why aren't you dressed yet?" Of course, she can't remember she asked me that so the same questions just keep coming. I gave up.

I longed to sleep later than 2:00 in the morning (I had to be at work at 4:00) and so far I haven't slept later than three because this woman can be up each night anytime from midnight to three. It fills me with sadness, it truly does.

If there were a time limit to this you could see, it wouldn't be so difficult, but as each day passes and another follows genuine fear develops in how long it can go on.


My biggest fear is it will go on so long that I will then be her and the last good years of my life will have just evaporated and then I can dump my crappy old self on my daughter.

I actually have NO intention of doing that. If I have to take matters into my own hands, then so be it, but I never want her to hate me or hate her life.

I hope I've given you some useful suggestions. If I were there, we'd be pushing each other along and we'd both be picking up dog poop! LOL

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thank you so much
by: Anonymous

First, I miss typed my name as Pam when it is Pat. Maybe it was auto correct.
I appreciate every word that you sent me. Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. You are so right that unless you have walked in our shoes, no one can understand what we are feeling and experiencing.

This is not how I imagined retirement. I tell anyone who inquires that I am fine because I'm embarrassed to say that I have no friends. In my deepest heart, I am lonely and so wish that I had someone to talk with.

I totally understand about not having the energy or desire to do anything. I too play a lot of hidden object games and jigsaw puzzles (on line) You're right - I can go to my home and be away from dad but the endless loop of thoughts running through my head never stops.

Rather than counseling, I'd wish for a support group to meet with. People who absolutely know what I'm feeling and can empathize. I hope that you will feel comfortable writing to me anytime and I would look forward to it. Thanks so much friend Pat

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by: Anonymous

I wish I had your phone number. We would talk for hours and both need to. Your life, you, are a mirror image of me and mine. I could have written your exact post except that I have my mother with me 24/7 and you get to go home and be by yourself. I do envy you that. Before I moved my mom in with me I was where you are now.

My time with her never ended and I was working at the time trying to balance her needs, which were great as she shouldn't have been living alone, and my life and job. It didn't work. Even away from her, like you're doing now with your dad, it's ALWAYS on your mind so there is no peace.

First of all, don't feel guilty how you feel and think, "I shouldn't feel this way." People get burned out. I am burned out. I've been doing this for over a year now with her living with me and have found there is a thin line between hating the person and hating the situation. The two blur together.

Before my mom, I took care of her brother as he lived down the road from me. Not any help from her at all. Take his meds, make his meals, do his laundry, work a full time job with all of this at the same time.

I was burned out by the time he died and very resentful that her being retired with all the time in the world and she couldn't lift a finger to help.

I'm 65 and was a single, divorced gal for 26 years. My independence is completely gone as yours is. We're both at the stage of our lives where we're just damned tired of taking care of other people.

I too gave up many years and a boatload of money helping my alcoholic daughter. In fact, because of her my mom is living with me. My daughter was so bad off I feared for her life as she had been hospitalized many times to the point of near death because of her drinking.

I packed me and my mom up, I took early retirement, and moved us both a thousand miles away to where my daughter lives in an attempt to save her life.

It wasn't a mistake as far as my daughter is concerned as she is doing much better. Like you (and the fact that I can't leave my mom alone) I have not met any friends and don't socialize with people at all. I've probably played every Hidden Object and Spot the Difference game on the internet out of complete boredom.

Thank goodness for Facebook and being able to read about what goes on in other people's lives.

And unless someone has done this in caring for an aged parent and time just goes on and on, they don't understand the anger and just pure rage that can be felt. I'll be completely honest here and tell you that when I hear her walker in the morning, I have to take a deep breath and say it is what it is.

I feel such a sudden surge of rage, I'd hate to check my blood pressure at that moment. That has gone up anyway, I've put on ten pounds from emotional eating, I'm on an antidepressant now and never needed one in my life before, and now my feet and ankles are swelling and I'll make an appt. for that because it could be a heart problem. The stress is killing me slowly.

Every day I ask how long will this go on? I exist solely for someone to sit and play cards all day and read books. Every month I turn the calendar over to a new month, it's a sense of panic thinking of the time flying by so fast. I imagine you, like me, ask when does MY life begin? When do I get to have MY life back?

This just leeches everything out of you, I know. I have no desire to do anything. Some days the thought of running the vacuum is too much. I've turned into a "whatever" person when I look at piles of papers I should go through, dusting I should do, just …. everything. There is just no energy or interest.

There is no answer until the person dies. I used to think that was horrible to wish for, but I admit I do daily and no longer feel bad about that.

Truly, if roles were reversed she would eventually feel no differently about me as would my own daughter as would just about anyone. So time just marches on with peanut butter toast in the morning, naps at noon, and nightgowns on by seven.

You mentioned that you see a counselor. That is something I considered, but didn't know how helpful it would be. The antidepressant doesn't seem to be doing much except that it might make me slam her coffee cup down on the counter a little less hard in the mornings these days.

As people get older, they lose that filter that keeps horrible thoughts from coming out of their mouth and my mom has now said approximately 60 times, "Did I ever tell you I wish it had been your that died instead of your brother?" (he died many years ago. Yeah, mom, you might have mentioned that. I have a great deal of resentment for many things with her so it makes it extra hard being her caregiver.


I had hoped to write something to make you feel better or give you suggestions to improve your life and here I ended up talking about mine. I apologize for that. Guess I needed to talk today, too. Like I said, we'd be on the phone for hours. LOL


I hope you find peace soon. Please don't feel guilty for how you feel. It's natural. It's human.

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