Angry and resentful...

by Amy
(UK)

I'm 28 my mother is 55 and has been diagnosed with MS 19 years, she's now at the stage where she's wheelchair bound and has very weak arms/hands pretty much needed help with everything.


I have 2 older brothers one 30 the other 34 they both moved out 6+ years ago leaving just my mother and myself.

It's been a really hard childhood as my father died when I was just 10 years old of heart failure leaving my brothers and my mother who could just about get about on crutches behind.

My grand dad then stepped in to help raise us along side my mother, he would be round every day looking after us till unfortunately he was taken ill with cancer and sadly died when I was 15.

Gradually over the years my mother got worse with the MS and instead of going out with my friends I'd be trying to run a house, cleaning, cooking, gardening and shopping. Helping my mother shower, get dressed, clean up after she had accidents.

It got harder and harder trying to work full time and care for my mom. Eventually, I managed to talk her into having carers come in 4 times a day to help...

Although she was reluctant to keep me doing everything for her. The carers have been coming just under 2 years now but with that my brothers have stopped visiting or calling just special occasions.

Now I've been with my boyfriend or 6 years it's like my mother resents me for leaving the house or having a life of my own, she just gives me horrible comments and looks like she hates I'm doing my own thing.

She gives me shopping lists every time I leave the house or calls my phone on my lunch breaks to pick things up for her on a daily basis. She will cancel carers calls because somebody new is coming so I have to change my plans for her needs.

I'm so depressed at the moment it's actually emotion bullying and constantly feel guilty for having My own life.

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I understand your anger and resentment first hand
by: Anonymous

This is a toxic situation we're in. You and me and evidently many others like us. But here's the deal, unless we take care of ourselves we cannot take care of others.

It's not selfish on our part to command relief for our emotional, physical and spiritual health. It's paramount to stay healthy in these areas so we can continue to serve these other negative people we are caught up with.

My mother is beyond understanding this concept and I think most of these clinging, needy, selfish people that we are talking about here are in that boat. They either don't get it or don't want to get it. And even if they've a glimpse of the concept they fall back into their old habits.

Fight for your right to stay healthy, I will try too.

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You are not alone
by: Anonymous

I feel your pain. I'm a little older than you and struggling with guilt of having a life yet feeling responsible. I made a promise to my mother and sister (sister has since passed but had similar issues to your mom but a different disease.) I said "I won't promise you won't go to a nursing home but I will promise they will know my expectations and they will know my name."

That being said, you should talk to your brothers. Explain to them what is happening. Talk to them that you need them to help out too.

I think your mother is going with the mother/daughter thing. (Traditionally caregivers are daughters. Although raising a girl can be difficult they are very beneficial to have in times of illness. Its that nurturing capacity.)

You aren't alone. One thing that helped with my sister was to get her connected with places that service disabled individuals.

They may be able to help provide some of the services to your mother at little or no charge and help ease the stress off of you. The scenario is probably scaring your mother, but reassure her that this is best for everyone.

She wouldn't want you to resent her down the road. (I had to have that talk with my own mother when she was laying on an emotional party for me returning to college.) Hang in there, you aren't alone but you do need to have a hard, heart to heart talk with your siblings.

Good luck

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Don't take he bullying
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry to hear that you have to deal with this and not be able to live your life as you'd like to.

I agree that you need to set boundaries so that you don't have to take he abuse on top of carrying the load for your mother. I've pretty much hit the wall after many years of what I call emotionally and controlling abuse from my mother.

Recently we went on a little day trip which I thought would be enjoyable but she went off on me for no apparent reason in front of a store clerk and then disappeared.

When she finally came to the car after not knowing where she was and I got her on her cell phone I asked her why she went off on me in front of the store clerk and she said nothing.

Because I asked her about this she has not spoken to me for a month now.... This isn't the first time as she went years not talking to my sister.

You have to set boundaries to protect yourself from the abuse. I have been the one who has always been there to help her in numerous situations but you'll know when that time has come where you decide you don't want to be subjected to toxic behaviors.

It took me 50 plus years before I decided to end the cycle of abuse. I wish you the best!

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Don't take the bullying
by: Anonymous

I know how you feel, I am 54 my mother is going to be 90. She as pulmonary fibrosis which was diagnosed when she was 85, life expectancy is 5-8 years.

My father died when I was 10 years old. My mother traveled with me for 10 out of 20 years while I was in the Navy. She gradually became bitter because of my fathers death. She turned into a bitter old woman who verbally abused me.

I did everything for her cleaning, cooking, shopping and eventually it got really bad. I told my brother he would have to take over or we would pay someone because I could no longer do it after I though I was having a heart attack.

Bottom line is that you have no responsibility if she verbally abuses you. Here is what I did I tell my mother that if she can be nice I will talk to her if she starts up with being abusive, I put up my things and leave. If I'm on the phone I tell her if you can't be nice I'll have to hang up.

Don't feel guilty for having your own life. Hopefully this will help you.

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