Anger and Resentment as a Caregiver - Have You been "Volunteered" to care for an Elderly Parent?

Unfortunately, anger and resentment often come hand in hand with such situations, in which one family member seems to be singled out for the duty of caring for an elderly parent or parents. In many cases, such choices are made because the individual may be a stay-at-home mom, a home-based business person, or someone who simply lives closest to the ailing or elderly relative.

Dealing With Anger and Resentment

It's one thing to express concern and offer to help with the care of an aging relative, but quite another to be designated as the family caretaker without any prior discussion or thought to your specific feelings regarding caring for an elderly parent. Many grown children find it extremely difficult to say no in such situations, but it's important to realize that as a caregiver, your life, as well as that of your family, may literally change forever.
It's easy to feel this way in such situations, especially when other family members blithely continue their daily activities, jobs, careers and entertainment while you are the one left to stay home, take care of mom or dad, or literally move them into your home so you can ensure their care and safety.

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Anger and resentment have a way of brewing and festering, especially when other family members don't seem to realize the sacrifices you're making, the financial burdens or the everyday stress and burden of providing 24-hour care for an elderly parent.

Avoiding the guilt-anger-resentment cycle is extremely important not only for the safety of the elderly parent, but for the mental well-being and health of caregivers and their immediate families. Many caregivers feel not only resentment toward other family members for "putting them into the situation", but for their parents for relying on them for their care. This can lead to immense stress and guilt, which further feeds the vicious cycle.

Healthy Care Giving

One of the first things the caregiver needs to remember is that in most scenarios, elderly parents do not want to rely on children or other family members for their care and safety. Many feel depressed, embarrassed, and guilty for the burden they place on others, and angry words, feelings or attitudes lead to hurt feelings for all involved.

Caregivers as well as elderly parents need to learn how to defuse resentment and anger before it gets out of control. Spouses, friends and family members who provide support and encouragement are especially welcome and needed at this time. Experts suggest that individuals who find themselves providing the primary care for elderly parents not waste inordinate amounts of time wishing that circumstances were different. Instead, try to enlist the help of other family members to take at least some of the burden off their shoulders. Discuss the situation with your spouse, siblings, or other family members and suggest ways that they may be able to offer help.

Anger can lead to words or actions that can never be taken back. When you become angry by a parent's behavior or refusal to cooperate, or a spouse's or children's disgruntled complaints that you're never available, try to avoid responding immediately. Explosions of anger can make matters worse, but on the other hand, if not expressed, can and do cause immense strain on the caregiver.

When dealing with this, try to find ways to respond to it differently. Take notes or write in a diary regarding your day-to-day feelings and emotions as well as responsibilities so that you can determine exactly what may be upsetting you the most. Take some time for yourself to 'regroup' every day, even if it's for only five or ten minutes.

Communication is Key

The bottom line is not to keep anger and resentment bottled up, but to express your feelings so that you, your family and your elderly parents receive and benefit from the best of care in such scenarios.

Anger and Resentment Caregiver Page back to Stress Page

Role Reversal - You and Your Elderly Parents

Sibling Rivalry and Resentment Page

Elderly Parents Caregiver Stress Page

Caregiver Resentment Page

Caregiving - A Balancing Act

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Do you resent being the "chosen one" caregiver to your elderly parent?

Are you angry that your siblings do not contribute as much as they should? Mom and Dad expecting too much?

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