Anger Doesn’t Begin to Describe It

by Kathy
(NC and PA)

I have two elderly parents. One is 95; the other is 92. Six years ago it became apparent that they could no longer manage on their own. They live in a very old three story house with all the bedrooms and bathrooms upstairs and the laundry in the basement.

My dad was having mobility issues, needing a walker and starting to fall a lot. He’s also bladder incontinent and frequently also bowel incontinent.

My mother is bent over from osteoporosis and has shrunk about 6 inches in height. She is very frail.

I have 2 siblings. On a rare occasion When we were altogether, we tried to talk to our parents about moving somewhere where they would be able to manage better.

My mother absolutely refused and my dad went along with her to keep the peace. Money is not an issue. At that point my brother washed his hands of them and we have seen him only twice a year for a day or two at a time. He lives 9 hours away.

I live 9 hours away also, but in the opposite direction. At the time my sister lived 5 hours away. All of us had full time jobs.

I was deeply concerned about my parents so I arranged with my boss to work from my parents home a couple of weeks at a time every couple of months.

I’ve been doing that now for six years, but their needs have evolved to the point that I am having to come here every three weeks and stay for a month.

I work 40 hours at my job through a remote connection, plus do the shopping, care taking, laundry, household repairs, etc. anything that needs to be done. My sister retired and moved 5 minutes away two years ago.

But she views herself as just an emergency contact. She does drive them to their medical appointments and checks in on them occasionally when I am not there.

But when I am there she basically disappears. I have begged my parents to hire full time help. My mother refuses because she doesn’t want strangers in her house.

During my stays at my parents house I lstay on the third floor of the house because I
have a dog and bring too much stuff with me (basically I transport my entire life back and forth) my mother doesn’t want all the clutter to be visible.

So I’m exiled to the unheated and uncooled third floor of the house. As I’m writing this it is 5 am and it’s still about 90 degrees in my bedroom.

The stress of living in two places, with the constant packing and unpacking, hauling suitcases, work materials, and a computer up and down 3 flights of stairs, is bad enough.

But I don’t sleep much when I’m here because I’m usually freezing or too hot, depending on the time of year.

The anger and resentment I feel towards my parents for refusing to move or to hire aides, and my siblings for refusing to help, is making me crazy.

As others have commented, no one ever asks how I’m doing, and no one acknowledges the sacrifices I’ve made career-wise, health-wise, and socially to do this.

I’m 64 and divorced, with no chance of establishing any kind of relationship given my current situation. I guess what galls me the most is how my parents fawn over my brother when he calls or makes a rare visit, and they won’t ask my sister to do anything because she gives them attitude if they do and usually refuses anyway.

Yet they treat me as if I’m their indentured servant, and if I complain about anything then I’m the bad guy.

They think it perfectly understandable that my brother doesn’t come often because, after all, he lives 9 hours away.

On the other hand , they think nothing of me driving 9 hours every 3-4 weeks to go back and forth between their house and mine.

All concerned are waiting impatiently for me to retire so I can live up here full time and they can feel better about their lack of assistance.

I’m not planning to move here when I retire but I haven’t told them that. Some days it’s all I can do not to drive my car at 100 miles an hour into a concrete wall.

There’s lots more to this story, but as caregivers you already know it. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

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Totally understand
by: Anonymous

My father in law moved in with us after his wife died. Been 10 years of hell. He thinks we are here to serve him like he is entitled somehow. Cant stand him, nor what he is doing to my family. No privacy, demanding, way behind the times, acts helpless, opinionated,obsessive compulsive, never has a good thing to say. Awful.

Caregiving parents will rob you of your life
by: Anonymous

It saddens me so much to read all your stories bc I’m with you there. My husband and I took in our mother with advanced dementia bc my father wouldn’t take care of her. 7 months of complete stress until she passed away last July. Now it’s my father of 97!

It’s becoming so hard on all of us bc he says he’s Independent, although he has all his faculties, he’s frail, fractures in spine, bad knee, in and out of hospital and rehab, should be discharged today, cannot live alone, but thinks he does.

I’m the primary health care proxy. I don’t want to be. I don’t want to do this anymore. My husband is cranky with me all the time, he wants my attention more and more with his insecure issues.

With my father, even being with him 1 hr, is very draining bc all his life it’s always been abt him first, and nothing has changed. I want to be taken off all legal responsibilities to my father. I’m the oldest of 4!!! I want out!

I know it would be a terrible thing to do but wondering if anyone has done this? I’m miserable.

How can a 97 yr old be forced to a nursing home, if he will need 24/7 care, and he won’t go? Who is responsible if no one wants to care for him?

Old true!
by: Leasa

My mom died 7 years ago and I found this site to be so helpful! My mom laid all of her troubles on my shoulders and yes, always said; 'don't tell your brothers because they have enough to worry about'. NO matter what was on my plate, it didn't matter I had to do more.

When my mom was dying of lung cancer, I took care of her. She lived on my farm in a beautiful granny flat and I made sure she had everything she could want. She was here for 18 years. I have two brothers who would visit once in a while, well, one hardly ever. And he was the one she thought was perfect!

I used to nurse in nursing homes and it was the same thing over and over. The kid they didn't respect, the one they expected the most sacrifice from was the one they laid it all on to and emotionally blackmailed them into doing it all.

My mom would tell me how wonderful this brother with who only saw her twice while she was dying...and refused to come to say goodbye in the end. Go figure.

I learned from this experience. I would never allow myself to be treated like that again.

No one is going to thank you, in fact they'll probably complain. Have a meeting with those siblings and tell them if they don't split the time equally and work equally then your out. You've done your share. Then do it.

Make these your good years and look after yourself.

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