Anger and Resentment with both Parent and Brothers

by Kate
(Ohio)

First I am so glad I found this site. I have a 79 yr old mother who has had Rheumatoid Arthritis for almost 29 years. She has always known that one day she would no longer be able to care for herself due to her disease.


Since May she stopped really caring for herself for one reason or another. None of these reasons were related to anything but her pain from the disease. Which I do not diminish. But she never asked for help and never financially prepared for this time in her life.

She has lost 40 lbs and can no longer care for even her most basic needs. She got plenty of money when my father passed but she spent it.

She owns a house and it should have been sold years ago to prepare for this time. Now my brother who is getting divorced lives there. He moved in last year and now my mom lives with me do to her hospitalizations and inability to care for herself. He has not been paying to live there because he cannot afford it. Now he is living there rent free and I am hoping he will be able to pay the utilities.

I sat him down to discuss a schedule that we both could live under and get me some breaks from the 24/7 care. I have had to stop working 1 day a week (losing $1000 per month) and now I work 3 10 hour days. I have been able to get in home care for 8 hours a week to at least bath her but it is not enough. While I know he understands I need help I get the feeling he does not want to do it. I realize all of our lives have changed but I cannot do it all. I believe he would like to leave things as they are which is I call him when I need help or have something to do. But twice now when I have needed him he either had a tooth ache or did not tell me that he had something to do.

I know I really need to sit down with him and tell him all of this. But the scheduling discussion did not work out so I am hesitant to try again. He has said if the house needs to be sold then we will sell it. So I have agreed to try the schedule we have in place for the month of January. If it is too much of a pain I will be telling him I need to sell the house so I can get more care in my house.

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