Anger and Frustration

by ray
(south africa)

2 years ago my 84 year old mother fell and broke her leg. We have been living together all my life and I have one older married sister. I am single. The accident was very traumatic for me as ambulances and operations were involved and I had to see to all of this on my own.

Matters deteriorated in that I had to go on early retirement to look after my mom permanently.

It has not been easy as the fact that I had to give up my career was very hard and I am still trying to deal with this. I have no real friends only ex work colleagues that phone me every now and again.

I now feel totally isolated and alone as where my mom and I always had good communication channels and shared everything, she has become difficult and stubborn and I do not know this person. I guess I am also dealing with the loss of the person I have once known as my best friend and anchor.

Today is one of my lows where I am very angry and want to lash out to every person. This is not the person I am and I do not know if this is normal behaviour but I get so angry for the smallest of things that I start shouting and become so angry that I shake afterward. and then the crying starts. The next morning I get up with a promise to myself that I will not get that angry anymore only for the cycle to start all over again. The bad part of this I am always feeling guilty and sad.

In South Africa I am not aware of any support groups hence me writing on this site.

Any help or advice will be greatly appreciated

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Reply to Loretta
by: Ray

Hi Loretta, I only saw your comments this morning and thank you for letting me feel better. Let me start by acknowledging your pain, resentment an even a little bit of hatred, and seeing that we both have those feelings it must be a normal response for people in our position.
It is now exactly a year since I posted this article. My mom is still the same and we are still trying to cope.

What I have found or rather learned is to try and live in the moment and not what has been but only what is now. I decided to start a craft centre which I run from home so I can still look after Mom when she needs me, still in the beginning stages but it helps me to do creative things that takes my mind off the other stuff

This is not easy by no means but I think the lesson that I have to learn is how to cope on my own and handle the loneliness. It is a very difficult lesson but I take it one day at a time

In the meantime, I still get angry and frustrated but trying to tell myself it is against the situation not my mom . I just wish that I could vent my anger in a different way.... I think it is by staying busy maybe?...

Thinking of all of you struggling with your situation try and live in the moment and try to stay busy with something creative.

We are Tormented Twins
by: Loretta

OMG, I could have written every word of this. My situation is exactly the same. My minimal retirement was due to "rescuing" my Mom from the nursing home. But I just couldn't let her die that way, shivering, rail-thin, drooling, and empty-eyed.

The hospice nurse told me if I took Mom out of the nursing home and home to live with me, I would forever regret it. No truer words have ever been said. I lost everything. My great job, beautiful home, active social life, my new grandson, and my self-respect as a worker, a woman, a mother, a friend. Now, all I do is feel sorry for myself and a deep anger at my mother that is making me physically ill.

I have reached the point where her voice screeching my name makes me literally want to shoot myself. Why didn't I listen to everyone?

Why did I let my guilt at not being able to afford a decent assisted living place for her ruin my life. I will be 60 in October and feel like I am 80. I have gained 88 pounds in one year and am totally isolated. I feel so bad for you because I know what you are going through.

In my case, there are some resources, but I don't access them because I am just so tired and lethargic.....know I need more psychological help. I think that you and I are still in shock that our lives have so changed and we feel like all we worked so hard for was for nothing. Only more days of Mom complaining, criticizing, etc.

Sometimes I just want to put her away, forget her, and leave the country, hoping that I can forget I left her. I'll never do that, though, and it is hard to see any possibilities for a happy future. I feel so guilty for having these feelings. I have no advice to give you, only that you are not alone, I feel exactly as you do, and I will pray for you.

reply to anonymous
by: Ray

Hi Anonymous, you have no idea how much your comments meant to me. Until today when reading your comments, I have never had anyone acknowledge what I am experiencing and you did. This made me feel I belong to the world again . Thank you

It is my turn to respond to your feelings, you mention that you have had similar issues, I truly feel for you and you are in my prayers as well.

keep strong and have a wonderful 2011

You are Not Alone
by: Anonymous

I don't know how long ago you wrote this. I wish dates were included.

Anyway, I'll just write as though your post is recent.

It's very hard to suddenly be thrust into the role of caregiver. But, you have the added burden of losing your best friend. Something seems to happen immediately to parents when they become dependent on their children. They seem to become children themselves at an alarmingly fast rate.

I'm in a similar situation. Until this happened, I had no thought that this happened to so many of us.

I will pray for you to have strength and patience.

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