Am I an Enabler?

by Greenacres
(Gainesboro,TN)

Mom moved from her house into my home 14 months ago. It was just for a three day visit. I turned my home upside down to please her. I am in full blown menopause and sometimes I say the most awful things to her, well it's not that it's awful, what child ever feels right telling their mom what to do when they are the ones that raised you not to talk back.


I have to tell her I will not be her maid because she is quite capable. She acts all sullen and tries to get everyone to feel sorry for her. Now my younger sister and I aren't even taking because all the drama she creates.

I really think she knows how manipulating she is. I am so tired of kissing her ass, but I can't ask her to leave. I know it would be best for everybody, but my family is falling apart. Am I enabling her to lose her independence? I don't know. AGAIN NO EMOTIONAL SUPPORT FROM ANYONE! My other sister stays removed from the situation and only needs mom's money.

Sorry, got off track, I am sleep deprived because I gave my room to my mom. I want to know when and if she plans to go back to her beautiful house because I need to add on another room to my house if she stays.

She complains every day about my house and wants things cleaner, newer, etc. My sleep habits are very unhealthy. What sleep? ha ha The end.

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The situation
by: Anonymous

It's hard to analyze your situation without some vital information. How old is your mother? Does she have dementia or Alzheimer's? If she does, you are seeing the beginning of a decline.

If she was supposed to move in your home for only 3 days and it's over a year later, there is a reason for that. Is she worse off than you are realizing and she was afraid to be alone? If she was an independent woman and willingly has given up living alone there must be a reason.

I can feel your rage written in your words and understand it. I feel it as well in my life. The last years of my life are ticking away. I gave up my independence so that she could maintain hers and you've done the same thing.

If this is a permanent situation and you are going to be the caregiver from this point on, you will have to make changes or change your way of thinking. I absolutely hated my mother until about two weeks ago.

Actually it isn't her I hate, it's the intrusion into my life. She is demanding like your mom is. There's a bell on her walker she rings first thing in the morning so I can bring her coffee. That infuriated me until I looked at the situation. She can't get coffee herself with a walker and must depend on me.

I try putting myself into her shoes and think how I would feel if I couldn't even get myself a cup of coffee. I saw the MRI of her brain and it looks like Swiss cheese. Really. The holes now are disconnects that make no sense. She can't remember how to work a remote.

Likely that area of her brain is gone. If you're noticing changes in your mother, this is likely what is happening and none of it is her fault. Seeing that MRI gave me some compassion I had been lacking. Sure there are still days I want to scream and that's natural because life has been interrupted and none of this is fair. If you don't want to care for your mom, does she have the funds to go to a home?

Will the county pay for that? Family often deserts us in times like this, so you will have to be your own advocate for what is best for you. It's hard, I know. Is her house just sitting empty? Should it be sold?

There are so many questions your post didn't answer so I can offer just a little to you, but I hope you find peace.

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I thought I was alone.
by: Anonymous

I'm 53 and my mom is 74.I am the third child out of five. As an adult,my mom and I didn't really get along. I always felt I had to buy her love, and when I can't do anymore she tries guilt and throw my lesbian lifestyle in my face.

Moving forward, I helped mom get into an elderly apartment complex, I was in a relationship at the time.The understanding was I would pay half her rent and give her some money when I file my yearly taxes.

It's 2018, and I removed myself from an emotional, verbal, toxic relationship. My mom knows I'm paying my half alone with no help and my pay on the job is having me barely getting by. Mom now has a side job and she offered no free information on her pay. I feel used and hurt.

She don't care to understand I can't do anything because a great deal of my money goes towards her rent. I finally cried because I know she don't care. She only care about making sure that my 300 is there and on time.

My mom is a very negative person and I don't understand that.Am I wrong to be tired. I get
no help from the other siblings. I apologize to God for feeling the way I do, everyday.My mom has burnt me so many times I can't count and still I'm the one trying to help her. Thanks for allowing me to vent.

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Learn to NOT be a doormat!
by: Anonymous

Your mother moved in with you, FOURTEEN MONTHS AGO and you CAN'T (?) tell her to leave and go back to her own house, even though she is capable? You would prefer for her to have you to wait on her, even though she is capable? This is bewildering to those who don't have the resources you seem to have.

Truth be told, you are not only an enabler to her, which is what she wants, but you also sound like a doormat. Instead of having her feet put on you, put your foot down. You're an adult and shouldn't be treated otherwise by someone whom you say is able to still take care of herself and live independently.

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