I took my mum in 4 years ago before she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and the disease has consumed me almost - fortunately a Carers course and observations by my son when visiting helped me to realize what was going on.
I had no idea that my life had shrunk to virtually nothing other than being at my mothers beck and call. She has never been a good mother to me in fact not really any influence on me but I still feel this responsibility to help her.
And I do have great sympathy for her situation however the realization that I had is that my mother could live for another 10 years and I would not be able to maintain this level of attention and support and hard work and brainpower for that period of time.
As everyone else has said where am I go to nears I'll tell you where ever going down the pan. For someone who has had their life and in their right mind would not wish me to give up my life for theirs.
So that's a very long story short I care package was suggested by the social worker, which became a further stress on me because the carers are Alzheimer's trained.
I can't begin to explain the stress of managing three visits a day by different carers most days so that's three different people during the day having to be told the same thing by me because my mother is not able to direct anybody.
And all the other stuff that went on which I just don't have the energy to going to. The social worker came back to visit to see how we were getting on and I said it wasn't working and it didn't work for somebody with dementia or not my mother with dementia anyway.
Respite care or suggested and after two weeks of many phone calls by me chasing up arrangements and sourcing the home which I didn't realize I'd have to do. We took Mum into the home, she decided after a few weeks she wanted to stay.
Thank the Angels - it has taken me weeks to sort the funding out as she is like so many others has made no provision whatsoever for her care and I'll déjà. She has wasted all the money she sent on collecting worthless clocks, cushions, headscarves, earrings, and so much other junk that the waste of money is appalling.
She's never around her own home and has no savings. I'm now left a shred of my former self with depression and high anxiety and finding it hard to be around people especially my son and his wife.
He tried it best to be sweet and understanding with me but I seem to say the wrong thing and upset them and be sensitive over the smallest thing and I don't know if I can justify it in my feelings or not.
I generally feel every day great sorrow and sadness and I don't want to be responsible in any way from my mother any more. But I am the only child and there is no other family so much to do.
I thought when I was caring for her of committing suicide to get out of the problem and let someone else have it I mean social services. But the thought of my son finding me having done that acts just stop me because I couldn't ruin his life.
I now feel I don't really want to see my mother any more, she is very well looked after in the home and I'm so grateful for that it has released me from so much stress but the thing is now I'm starting to see what it is I've been doing for the last four years and it's all been so unappreciated by my mother.
She is also extremely fussy and I only like certain products like she won't use round cotton pads only oval ones and there is a whole host of personal items that she needs.
These items are not available in the home or in the little shop that goes around the home, so I know she will always be asking me to get those things and take them in and it feels like she's pulling my strings.
She's done very little for me in my whole life in fact her decisions have trashed my life and traumatized me. And now that stuff from the past has come back to haunt my mind.
So I would like to not see her any more I don't want to visit her in the home and make small talk I just want to walk away I'm going live on a desert island for six months not to talk to anybody do nothing arrange nothing no phones nothing at all. If I could do that would I want to come back I don't know…