Always a Caregiver, Never a Caretaker for Myself

by Anonymous

I have just recently took a good hard look at what I can change, what I can't change, and giving up on my ideal hope my family should help me share the responsibility of our aging love one....I like many others have, have reached the point that I'm acknowledging that I just can't take on more than I can possible handle with care giving for my Grandma (no help, no suggestions, only "I don't know how you do it's" from everyone! Maybe I was ignorant to how hard this would be or how it would affect my mind,body and loal not to mention the weight and emotional burden on MY OWN family and life structure.

After GMA's stroke 2 yrs ago, I was there for her, My patient kind boyfriend was there for me without even knowing my gma, supporting me as I questioned doctors and I just assumed the roll and went the extra mile to make sure that she was getting the best treatment and I got the best understanding of what was happening to her. 2 yrs later, I have finally began to accept that my mom, my aunt and other members of the family just cannot or do not want to deal with it even though I have reached out so many times.

I really have to make a decision, on my own, and I'm dreading to have to say to my GMA that I have found you another place, I love her so much, my guilt tells me that I'm being selfish and just throwing her away.

However, I'm only human, I cant only put my patient family and myself through the stress or the stressing of a very demanding, bitter and negitive person in our home anymore. I have taken so much away from the family that I have started and I am exausted with anxiety and found myself bitter and almost just wanting to run away! That's not me, that's not who I want to be, never would I want my children to feel like that!

I can only handle so much, and they all rely on me, Its hard to say to myself "I just cant take care of her anymore, my health is also at risk" Reality is....I know I am not alone, I am a good person, I am a leader and my pride and guilt cannot prevent me from what ultimately needs to happen.

Bitter sweet and tough to even talk about however, I have to do whats right for everyone. But that moment I talk with my GMA is going to be one of the most devastating things I will ever have to do while looking into her eyes..sad...but she will know that I will be by her side always, still doing all I can possibly do for her..

Life has no guarentees, make the best of it. Good luck to all, this is not easy nore is there a book you learn in school.

Try to enjoy everday but keep in mind that you matter too!
PS: pardon my grammer!

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