All Alone and No One to Help me with 88 Year Old Mother with Dementia

by Jan
(Birmingham, AL )

I'm a 63 year old female, widowed seven years ago and had to move back in with my widowed mother for financial reasons.

Up until two years ago she seemed fine and then it seemed everything happened at once. Her hearing loss, multiple falls, and early onset dementia which caused her to become verbally abusive.

I have become a prisoner in my own home, only leaving to do grocery shopping or to pick up her prescriptions. She only leaves the house for doctor's appointments because she is out of control when she doesn't get her way in public.

I have had several caregivers, but she yells and throws things at them and of course, they refuse to come back. I feel lost, very angry, resentful and have had thoughts of suicide or wanting to kill her in her sleep.

I pray every night that God takes her peacefully. If this goes on much longer, I'm afraid that I will harm her or myself just to have some relief from this horrible situation.

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88 years and counting...
by: Anonymous

You said your mom was diagnosed with "early onset" dementia when she was about 86 years old. I don't know what this means, since I would think that getting dementia at 86 isn't early at all.

Oh, how these old folks are living too damn long! Fantasizing about ending her life is not going to help. But it's a damn shame that the views of the Hemlock Society haven't been expounded enough to our society. But everybody thinks they're entitled to live to be 100, NO MATTER WHAT!

This is rather sad, because a life should be judged not by its length but by its quality. My grandma is 88 and has been bad off with wet brain dementia for years. And honestly, she is of absolutely no use to herself or anybody.

My favorite actor, Gene Wilder, just died at age 83. He suffered from Alzheimer's for three years, instead of having a really "long goodbye" like Ronald Reagan for ten years.

By contrast, William Shatner is still acting at age 85, and Bette White is active in her 90s. Who the hell knows why some make it all the way? The doctor's don't, but their ethics have become skewed and shortsighted for money's sake and wishful thinking.

by: The Sgt

All the comments are good and no one can blame you for your thought. My suggestion is take advantage of your options.

Many people do not like nursing homes and sometimes people can't afford them due to the income lost it will be. Remember peace of mind is everything, my mom was in the nursing home for a year and a half first time and second time for about 14 months.

She lives with me and my husband now and have been for about 3/1/2 years now. I take care of my 76 year old dementia mom and sometimes it's rough. She gets lazy and don't want to do nothing but sleep sometimes, refuses to eat or get dressed etc.. And other times we have a good time.

She gets so lost sometimes don't know what to do and just stand in the middle of the room. She not really mean most times and I won't let her she may be mom but I have threaten to put her back in the nursing home.

Sometime love is letting them go, visits and spending time as a daughter is best not a caretaker in some cases.

If my home become my prison because of Mom she will go into the nursing home and I will visit and make sure they do right by her. But for now I will sacrifice and enjoy taking care of her.

Sympathize with You
by: Sheila

Oh, Jan, I understand your frustration and despair because I am in a horrible situation, myself. Even though my 84 year old mother does not have Dementia, she yells and hollers enough sometimes that you would think she is crazy!!

I do have an 85 year old father who is in the early stages of Alzheimer's and he gets on my nerves enough, now. So, I hate to see me when he gets worse into the disease.

I am glad to hear that I am not the only one who thinks of suicide or harming my parents in their sleep. It is an ongoing nightmare, and I wake up to the misery every day, wishing there was some way out for me.

When you feel like you are going to explode, remove yourself from your situation and go for a brisk walk, or call someone to help look after your mother while you go out and have some quiet time to yourself, or go visit a friend.

My aunt told me you can find out who your true friends are when you are in a crisis!! I have found that out to be so true!! I feel like I have no one to talk to.

Some may say that they understand, but you want to say, "No, you don't understand unless you were in my shoes!!" Anyway, I hope you will find peace of mind and the hope to carry on, as I hope to, also.

by: Anonymous

I think Been There's comments were most useful. I would follow the advice - immediately if not sooner.

Been there
by: Anonymous

Hi Jan, I have been in a similar situation.

The best thing that happened to me is doctors put my mother on some medications that stabilized her moods.

Also check for Urinary Tract Infection, this makes them act crazy.

I never thought I would say it, but thank god for the medications. I could no longer stand the abuse.

It surprised me how common it is to need to medicate out of control dementia seniors.

There was a specialized ward in the hospital that deals with senior behavioral health. I hope you can find one near you.

At the doctors request, I brought my mother to the emergency room of the hospital, she thought she was getting a "test". And they did the usual admitting tests, where they did find a UTI.

Then she was told she needed to stay overnight to monitor the medication for the UTI. She ended up being there for 2 weeks, a standard amount of time, the medications for agitation were monitored and she was released. I brought her back not to her house, but to an assisted living home.

It is the right thing to do. I hope you can manage it.

Best of luck

I'm in the same boat as you!
by: Marsha

Oh gosh, I understand your pain! My situation is similar, so please be assured you are not alone.

As my mother's sole caregiver, I share with you the same feelings of entrapment. Even though I love my mother dearly, the overwhelming burden of watching over her is too much at times. She is 89. I am 61, without a support system as well.

I suggest you try to walk away when you feel you’re ready to explode and not engage in verbal challenges with your mom.

Very hard, I know, they will always win! Brighter days are ahead. Stay positive, even when you're feeling at your lowest. Brighter days are ahead, I'm certain of that!

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