Abusive Father, Passive Mother

by Jennie
(Melbourne, Australia )

Even though they don't live with me, my parents, Dad 81 and mom 80, put me through hell. Three years ago my mother was stricken with bad arthritis and needed a hip operation or she would have ended up in a wheelchair.


My husband and myself we in our fifties, and we have two sons, the youngest is 21 but is disabled and lives at home. My parents lived 500 miles away, and we managed to convince them to move close to us, and they sold their home with our help, and moved here. My father had a huge workshop with heaps of hoarded stuff he'd collected over 50 years. It took us a huge amount of energy to help clear it out.

After they moved here, we helped them by finding a place to rent and then loaned them the money to buy an independent living unit in a lovely retirement village. My mother had the operation and it helped her immensely. My father finally got the operation he needed too, to stop a cancerous ear from bleeding all over the place.

At first, they seemed appreciative but over time, my father has gone back to his abusive ways and we are the targets. Nothing is good enough, he doesn't have his workshop, and he moans and complains all the time. It's more than normal grief. He's beginning to get dementia and should not be driving.

My mother is almost blind, and she is the one who navigates for him on the roads because he doesn't remember where he's going! I have one sister who is older than me but did not want to help at all when they moved. She is a victim of his nasty abuse over the years as well. She lives back in the area where they used to live. So I deal with this alone.

Recently, we got our doctor to intervene and get my parents to undergo an aged care assessment so that if they need further care as they get older, it can be accessed. My father was rude and abusive to the aged care assessment team when they came to his unit. He refused to be questioned. My mother however, told the team how he threatens suicide, and how he verbally abuses her regularly. This prompted them to call in the Psychiatric team, and they came a week later to interview my father, believing he may have a mental illness.

However, he turned on Mr Charming, and convinced them he is being abused by US! Now he is isolating my mother more and more. He refuses to talk with us, and it's very hurtful to be so despised after helping them so much. I am at the point of just walking away and let them go. The only thing is I am concerned for my mother and her safety, and I'm concerned for the driving risk, not just my parents but innocent people on the road. I'm trying to figure how I can help my mother but she's learned to tolerate the abuse and won't break away from him.

The driving authority in Australia will be notified, and send him a request to undergo a drivers test for the elderly, but I would not be surprised if he ignores it and drives illegally. Any comments appreciated.

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by: VCook

I think an awful lot of people pass judgement on the one's left with the care issues and don't actually realize it is often the children of the elderly who actually suffer abuse by guilt and manipulation.

My Father refers to me as his dutiful daughter...while his son lives a life I could only dream of...freedom and wealth creation as opposed to mine... trapped and poverty because I to made the mistake of moving my Abusive Father and Passive Mother close to me....to avoid the 6 hour round trip drives to assist their every demand !

Your Father must not drive anymore...you must protect your Mum and have an ACAT done again if you truly believe they are in danger. As kids we can do only so much because before you realize it your life starts to crumble in every imaginable way !

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