A Life not Chosen
I started trying to read these posts and soon realised this is an epidemic,and I am not alone,far far,from it. It doesn't make it any easier,but my heart goes out to each and everyone of you, your stories are all different and yet they all have the same thread,guilt,anger,fear hatred,all of these I go through every day.
I wake every morning with the same thoughts.I want my life back I can't do this any more. I so want others to understand and to be empathetic, to be there for me, but they are all blank,and don't want to know. I am crying inside. I have considered taking my life many times,thinking this is the only way out of this endless situation of caring,
I am 65 years old, I have lived overseas from my parents most of my life,a happy life, able to work and be with friends,I am an only child after my only sibling died 30 years ago.
It is so hard being an only one,because no one helps,no one wants to know. There is no support. Having said that, I am truly blessed with a wonderful husband who helps and supports me.
Without him my life would be over "this I know" because I would have taken it by now, having to be daughter mentor,thinker carer, for my 89 year old mother with dementia. We nursed my father of 93 years for 3 years until he passed last year.
That in it's self was enough,but now here I/we are going down the same path with my mother,all the time "our life is slipping through our fingers" day by day, month by month,year my year,and it hurts so much.
I used to be a confident out going woman valued in society a friend to many and a life in a country I long to go home to, New Zealand.
Living here in the UK,my place of birth,a country I chose to leave 45 years ago for a better life,this I got,I had no desire to ever come back to this country and live.
Over the years I have tried to persuade my parents to come to NZ and live,so we
could take care of them,offered to buy a new home with facilities to take care of them, but ''no'' my father being the pig headed man would say "I would never live in that place if you paid me a million dollars" well, that place was my home !!
Well the out come of this was a stressful life for me trying to hold our life together whilst getting calls from parents struggling to cope.
I would have to deal with these calls living at the other side of the world,my life became a living hell,so,close to a nervous break down due to stress and worry,we decided to come here,and here we are 4 years,and still caring.
I/we so want to go home, I so want my mother to die so we can have a life again,and even then,we have to return and re/build our life,a life that was all set up with jobs, careers, friends,a home a different life style all gone and it scares me so much as to how much longer this will go on before we can Go HOME.
I worry if I will make it the times I think about taking my life are more frequent these days because I can see no end to it.
If there was a date that I knew it was going to end,it might help,but there is no end in sight.
There is no empathy out there,I have long given up trying to explain to people how it feels/hurts and what my life is like,to actually hear someone say "I understand and it must be so hard for you" would at least be something,but there's nothing.
My life line is my dear husband and that's all.I recall going on a web site once and trying to tell my story and how it effected me. All I got was, "shes your mother for gods sake",
Well yes she is,but what about me, what about my/our life? I'm so sorry if I come across as selfish but it hurts so much.
Thank you for listening much love to all you carers out there, you deserve all the love and support you can receive xxx