92 Year Old Refuses to Stop Driving Two Cars and a Vespa
by WORN OUT NY
Hello. I am 50 year old divorced mother of two adult children who has moved in from my home in the south - to live in the North.
I am the youngest of 7 and there are two sisters who are well off and live 2 hours and 3.5 hrs, respectively from my parents. Neither do much but complain about how they want me gone.
My father is 92 and historically a pathological narcissist. As it goes for the personality, he married histrionic mother and one of those two sisters I mentioned has borderline personality disorder (which has all but destroyed the fabric of the family).
One of my sisters died from cancer a few years ago. She blew the lid on the BPD sister for all the things she had said behind our backs over the years attesting to the sense of alienation the rest of us had felt.
This same sister does not help, but creates more civil unrest in the family than any of us can handle. All the while polishing her halo as she sports a completely glowing APPEARANCE to my father who - as a NPD - is at the shop's helm. As such, he treats me like crap.
Pertaining to driving -
My father has backed into, hit and swiped other cars over many years as his advanced age continues. He also has a Vespa he refused to give up riding and likewise, has been injured to the degree he was airlifted to hospital years ago.
Last year he crashed into the mailbox and insisted my elderly mother help him up as well as lifting the Vespa. He was lacerated and cut in many places - all this following a mild stroke which he and my sisters continually deny.
They were not here when he had the stroke and then called the hospital demanding it was not a stroke. I saw it happen Facial drooping on one side and inability to speak are not symptoms of low blood sugar as they insist.
My mom had quad bypass and replacement valve years ago and has been a serious alcoholic (he is a the happy obliging enabler along with the other two sisters) since. When I came on the scene she eventually agreed to go to Al anon with me. Then AA.
She still drinks - now it is outside the home as she has tried to hide it from me. Since she no longer drives, my dad will take her out to drink.
Sometimes I find the beer and serious whiskey and liquor hidden in drawers or the garbage post drink.
So when my dad hit a parked vehicle a few years ago and drove off, the parking lot cameras picked it up and it turned out that he got a call from the man who's car was hit. It was a friend of his.
Then when I was visiting, he hit another parked car again damaging his own, and drove off. When my mother saw the car he started screaming in denial saying the guy parked badly and it was not his fault...that he only TAPPED the bumper. I have no idea what the other car damage was but I am sure it was significant.
I sent an email to one sister - she is receptive to this info - and she went and sent a note to others post visit. I did not live here at the time and since we both did not, we were too far across the country to have helped. In comparison to my other sisters.
Those sisters went ballistic (denial) and stated we should mind our own business and my father is a great driver. The BPD sister would agree with me F2F but then sent my dad an email stating elderly are among the safest drivers in America and she would be honored to ride as a passenger in his car any time.
She went on and on in support of him continuing to drive. This is the same sister who was a passenger when he had an open container in the car and they were reported for driving badly. The police officer was stern and my two sisters from nearby told the officer off as they felt he was MEAN to my dad. ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
My mother is belligerent when drinking and my sister got her out of the car and into the restaurant before the police had to deal with her. Yes, you can be arrested as an elderly person. And should be if this is the sort of behavior people feel entitled to commit.
Sadly, he had the mechanic pick up the Vespa this summer for repair and insisted I drop him off a half an hours drive away in the country to pick up said Vespa. He insisted on driving it home.
This man can barely walk. They have financial resources to have a car service along with me living here and capable of driving when I am not at my PRN job.
I do not have any answers. My father is very smart and uses it to sway people in to thinking he is on the ball. His conscience is lacking as with most NPD people - his decision making process is reinforced by those who agree rather than point out the failure of his logic. Which is self serving.
I love my parents despite our hellish children should be seen and not heard alcoholic and pill popping childhood I was subjected to. I cannot tell you how many times I have wanted to end my life in trying to present logical alternatives to the decline due to old age.
I certainly do not want to get old now that I have seen them do it. I watched my aunt die last yr due to substandard nursing home care. It is awful so I stay. My mother has become markedly improved - she was close to killing herself with alcohol and pills when I got here. She has dementia which is progressively worsening.
Between the two of them I feel I have completely lost myself. I do everything I can to help them an get ridiculed by them and undermined by my BPD sister and her underhanded comments, emails to the family about me and continued assault on my character without appreciating the hell I lived as a child as well as now.
There is lip service about how much these siblings love my parents, but they do nothing to help me or lift me up except to talk $hit and whisper in my dad's ear. They did not know me growing up as they were older - and they would not give much by way of getting to know me as an adult later in life.
I do not want money from my parents nor do I want their home. I had no place to go and would prefer to be dead at times rather than subject myself to yet another round of "let's see how much criticism, negativity, NPD gas lighting and sheer disrespect she can take".
They both have this sick martyrdom that puts their safety in jeopardy by way of doing more house and yard work (which I have ALREADY DONE).
Mom is climbing step ladders when I am away from the house - dad is chopping off more bushes with a new electric trimmer after I just did it and cleaned it up. He leaves the pile in the yard for me to clean up.
Mom lifts bags full of yard debris and drags it across the lawn when I have planned to do it in between doing the rest of what they need - yet she can't take a walk with me supporting her around the block due to severe pain. ARE WE DONE YET?
If I leave, she will go back to killing herself on alcohol and drugs. My dad will help. And he just may kill one in our innocent community when he drives either that damned Vespa or one of their TWO cars. TWO.
I cannot tell you how many paint chips I have in my doors from where the man shoves his car door into it as he parks about 6 inches from mine. It does not matter how far over I am in the drive - he will come in at an angle and be right up on my car. Of course he could park in the damned garage but that would not be as much fun as ricocheting off my car door.
Besides - he takes off almost like he is driven to do GO GO GO running from death several times each day - anywhere he can. Any excuse. Leaving my mother who is a severe fall risk and refuses to USE HER WALKER. He refuses to use his cane and fell this past yr on the bricks.
I love them despite all this - but I also see no improvement nor appreciation for all I do. I am so worn out and so depressed. I hear them fighting and bickering daily and now without my mom drinking as much, her attitude is just as negative.
I am called a nag when I remind them of medication or remind them of appointments. I have already documented how many times either has left the stove burner on and left the room. The first thing out of their mouths to me is negative.
They do not talk - they scream at you and belittle you to get their way. Elderly rage. But they always had it - now it is worse. Thanks to my sister, I am their target. They try to drag me into the middle of their fights and like one of those domestic disputes on COPS, they will end up attacking me later while they "cutely" hold hands.
I have no interest in entertaining hurting them at all. I do not wish they would die. I wish I WOULD DIE because I feel I cannot escape though I have applied for countless jobs and worked my ass off in the winter at volunteering. Even if I go to my PRN job, my mother will stop speaking to me when I come home because she says she MISSES ME.
I cannot do a damned thing right.
My adult kids do not speak to me since my divorce. I feel like I have no future, nothing to live for and have been ground down to my last morsel of self esteem.
I wish I would not wake up but even in death I would be ridiculed by my sisters. The NPD ridicules the sister who died from cancer today - I mean. This situation is going to kill me. It is.