70 Year Old Father Always Angry.....

I'm 30 years old as well as the oldest (I have a younger sibling) and I am the one who has to "deal" daily with our father. He lives less than a mile from me, and I feel like I am on call 24/7. He is independent but with his health declining he is getting more and more angry at the world. He's always been an angry/bitter person for all of my life, and many times I am the person he lashes out at throughout the years.

My mother died when I was young, so my dad did have to raise two daughters by himself. He was generous in helping me get a place and paying off my sister's student loans....but then for all of that he guilt trips the heck out of me for everything.

I want to actually have a life and meet people? "I can never rely on you or anyone to help me move things or look at furniture." (I have done that for him.) If I want to go out with friends or try to be social? "You have ALL the time in the world to do things for others but never anytime for your Dad.

Whatever did I do to you for you to be so selfish?!" (Again I talk to him DAILY and see him everyday or every other day.)

I shouldn't let it bother me, because his anger is nothing new since he's always been short-tempered....especially with me. I have my own disability that sometimes short-circuits (how I describe it) my ability to think or to express myself verbally.

By the time I'm able to say what's in my head, it's "too late" for him or the message gets messed up in which case I'm "being stupid." My sibling agrees that he is just a bitter old man, but she also doesn't get dealt any of the extreme daily bitterness he spews onto me.

She doesn't like talking to him because of how he is, but then doesn't want to hear it from me when I NEED to vent it out about how he treats me at times.

He just yells and lashes out
so easily that I am constantly feeling on guard for what he could say. I tell myself he is lonely (no friends), not feeling well (though I think some of his symptoms are for attention from me or give something to complain about), and that he is exhausted from having worked hard his whole life.

He also refuses to go out and meet new people as he always finds fault in others. I feel like I owe him to be there for him whenever he needs me, but it's been such a drain on me mentally.

I should be used to his behavior but it just keeps escalating and I find myself crying when I'm alone. My life has been revolving around his for years, and it's just gotten to the point where I don't want to be around him- yet that makes me feel incredibly guilty and selfish.

My sister will be engaged shortly, and is able to live her life without being questioned what she is doing at all times of the day. Am I jealous? Yes. I have to basically lie in order to go out on a date, because of my fear as to how my dad would act.

Yet he likes to bring up that I'm single and most likely won't have a relationship at all in my life. So though unfair of ME, but I'm jealous of how my sister gets to live her life with minimal annoyance from my dad and is in a committed relationship.

My dad constantly compares us, and I have always been found lacking....though he is self-aware a few times to thank me for what I do. Which is followed up by a guilt trip of how I make him feel guilty or he lashes out at me for something.

Sorry for the rambling, but I also wanted to say how much this website has helped me. To know others are going through the same things, as well as to help prepare myself for what's ahead.

I know that this website is for boomers versus my Millennial self....but thank you all for at least giving me knowledge I'm not alone in this scenario.

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You are not obligated
by: Gina

Wow your situation blows me away because of both of your ages. Him making you feel obligated because he paid for your (college?) is like saying someone is obligated to marry you because you bought them a car. You are not obligated to him nor are you responsible for his happiness.

He has means. He can hire help like Visiting Angels to come in how ever many days or nights a week as he wants. They can even drive him on errands and be just a companion. My 100 and 97 yr old aunts in FL do that and they love it. People live a long time now even with illnesses. You are too young for this commitment.

Are you still financially dependent on him currently? For housing or anything? if so you will need to get out from under that or things will never change.

If not financially dependent on him, then you should get out. It will be easier for you to leave than try to get him to leave. Even if you have to go on assistance, it'd be worth it cuz it wouldn't be forever.

Start checking on this possibility and don't tell your dad so he doesn't wind up on you. It doesn't have to be contentious. If you don't think he'd take it well or understand, don't let that stop you. For the time being, be civil and limit your interactions with him. Walk away from him if that's what it takes.

If you sister weighs in she really has no say, since she's not been involved. But she can certainly start, if she wishes. Is your dad paying for her wedding?

This may seem overwhelming but eat the elephant one bite at a time -- make progress every day on a small thing so that you are always moving forward. Wishing you success!

i got you
by: Anonymous

same ish my dude, but im 35 now, hes 76 and i moved in with him without knowledge of the move until after my mother disappeared on him, about 2.5 years ago.

all i can say is that there's really no win to the situation, aside from hardening yourself and at once stating what is wrong with his behaviour and then setting boundaries that he knows not to cross. (ie comparing, belittling, contradicting, etc) and if he does, heck with it man, put him in his place and tell him if he does it again you wont be back.

IDK there's a lot to be said and it is the biggest problem in my life right now, it is my life. and in these 2 years, i kid you not, i went from being a well known successful artist and author in New York, to a now bewildered and belittle little boy in a condo w my father.

itll ruin your life. feel free to contact me maybe we can talk some shit out.

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