70 year Father 47 year Daughter

by Chuck
(Reno, NV USA)

She rarely calls...never invites me to dinner. Has never invited to her home. Would prefer me in assisted living. Never brings me any of her home cooking. In turn I made 12 payments on her new home and paid for three of her weddings. Gave her all she needed growing up, even bought her a car. Thats about it.

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Miss my Dad
by: Anonymous

Hi Chuck,

I certainly don't know anything about your relationship with your daughter, but she obviously have some issues with you.

Maybe you could break through that silence and ask her. It's always uncomfortable and awkward for parents and children to talk about the things that keep them apart, but what have you got to lose?

She may be so surprised that you would you even have the sensitivity to ask her, that she may totally open up to you. Try not to be defensive.

Try to really put yourself in her position as she talks, if she talks, and try to understand.
This could be a last opportunity for you both to connect.

My dad was my go-to parent when I was young. He always accepted me, never criticized me, always supported me. We had similar personalities and had a good time together through all my years. He passed six years ago, and I love him just as much and never forget about him.

Growing up my mom and I were water and oil. The exact opposite of my relationship with my dad. I left the house when I was 19 and through the years I've always gotten along with mom because of the distance.

Now she is 92 and I've moved back into her home to take care of her. Everything I never settled when I left the house at 19, has come home to roost. It's like we picked up just where we left off. I'm having to reconcile all those issues with her now.

It's been a struggle, but I feel I've been given this opportunity to grow into the person I wasn't given a chance to when I was in her house as a child.

Try to take this opportunity to break down the barriers with your daughter. You may have so much to learn from each other still. Just the fact that you wrote to this forum, shows that you want to reach out to her.

Do it before it's too late. You may not necessarily be the first one to leave this earth. You never want to have to live with regrets.

Two Sides of the Story
by: Anonymous

Yes, there are 2 sides of the story and maybe you can figure out which side is which in your situation.

I hope you and your daughter can work it out and have a relationship before it is too late. I know I'd love to have a give and take relationship with my parent.

Look at Yourself to See if That is the Problem
by: Anonymous

Well, it sounds like you have been a great dad. But I will give you reasons why I don't see my mom more. A lot of them are selfish and some of them aren't. See if this is what is chasing your daughter away.

My mom non stop talks about herself anymore, tells me she is a hot house flower that needs taken care of properly, doesn't listen if I share my life and when asks about my life, doesn't listen, complains about her health, doesn't have a life except her home. She still drives and could have more of a social life. Says us kids are all she has. Which means I am to want to be with her every hour I have free as she has no friends and my siblings live a long way off and always have.

She expects more of me because I live here and she always has excuses to why my siblings only come once a year if I'm lucky. She is jealous of any outside activities that I do. Is jealous if I go visit my kids and grand kids. When my kids are here and she is invited over to our home she wants all the attention on her and tries to change our plans to better suit what she wants.

She says she is the Grandma, not great grandma and bosses everyone around. So, if you are guilty of any of these, it might be keeping you daughter away. It sure keeps me away and is a drag when I do go see her.

70 year Father 47 year Daughter
by: Anonymous

I can see where you're coming from, however there are two sides of the story... right?

To a Good Dad
by: A Daughter that cares

I read your story and although brief describes a very self-centered daughter that couldn't be bothered with her parents. You sound like such a good Dad helping her with mortgage payments and paying for three weddings (one should have been enough)!

The only thing I can say to you is that Karma tends to get these people in the end and she will be living to regret her actions (or lack of actions) someday when she is old and gray.

Sometimes just a friend offers us more love and compassion. Enjoy your life with who you have in it now and forget this selfish individual. All you can do is pray that she develops a conscience someday soon. Take care of yourself. You are a good person!

Empathy for you
by: Anonymous

My heart breaks for you. I am a little older than your daugther and am taking care of a 90+ parent. Sad to say, what you have written about your daughter seems to be the way the world is these days. So I am sad about your situation.

I am cut from a different cloth from most of my peers, who seem to be "me first" and "I'm entitled to my own life" and would rather pay for Meals on Wheels than bring a home cooked dinner to their parent. It isn't that hard to whip up something nourishing for a parent. I made a meat loaf the other day that took literally 10 minutes to put together and then time in the oven but now my parent has something home made to eat.

I am flabbergasted at the lack of empathy from adult children for their parents these days. They have every excuse in the book, usually how "bad" the parent was, which isn't true.

At first, when I started helping my mother at least 15 years ago, it wasn't easy. We clashed at times. Well, we both stuck together through thick and thin and weathered many acute crises together and now we are getting along pretty well. I was with her at every single hospitalization. I have had to learn humility and have had to make amends for my rotten behavior of the past. I have sacrificed for her, and have learned that real love is sacrifice, not "nicey nice" words.

I get a lot of feedback from my peers that is negative because they don't want to do anything for their parent so they try to talk a big talk about how there are assisted living facilities, Meals on Wheels, and all of that "honey-you-are-entitled-to-your-own-life" stuff.

I've learned to isolate myself from them. I don't need approval or affirmation from the "peanut gallery". They all have big excuses why they are so busy yet have time to take care of 4 dogs and go out to karaoke bars every other night.

I feel deeply for you and will pray for you.

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